Kaiba VS the Secretary
by elderwolves
Summary: I have entered Kaiba Corp. and have gotten close to the target! What will become of poor Kaiba now? Starring myself, some good friends, and any character you request! First fanfiction. Now my own series involving all characters requested by YOU the reviewers! Requests now closed, but enjoy anyway!
1. Kaiba's Secretary

**Kaiba vs. the Secretary**

By Elderwolves

A/n: This story features me and a good friend of mine, plus one disgruntled Seto Kaiba. First fanfiction so be nice with the reviews! Not much else to say really, but enjoy!

Disclaimer: I own nothing; if I did Cherry might stop watching due to drastic changes.

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><p>I adjusted my new Kaiba Corp. I.D. badge, and looked into the lady's room mirror. Everything was perfect, every detail of the suit was faultless and I with not a single hair out of place. The secretary directly below Seto Kaiba had recently been put on maternity leave, and needed a temporary replacement. My mission: become that replacement. It was fairly easy to forge the right "credentials" to obtain the position. Shame that I'm actually here for a different reason.<p>

"Time to get to work." I say to myself as I exit. My smile broadens as I near the office of my new boss. I knocked on the door and entered at his command. "Good afternoon, Mr. Kaiba. I am the secretary you sent for." I said, complete with traditional Japanese bow. "Very well, your office is over there, Ms. Bannister." He thumbed over to a cubicle just inside the room. "Your first task is to organize my schedule for tomorrow, you may go." I bowed again and left for 'my' office. As I set myself down into my chair, hidden from Kaiba's line of sight, I feel my devil horns begin to grow again. Just in time for a maniacal grin to steal across my face.

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><p>Today has been long and laborious, but very productive. And I would know. With the exception of duels, he takes his secretary everywhere he travels; sort of like a manager. But the best was yet to come, I think to myself. "Mr. Kaiba, we have time for you to take a 15 minute restroom break." I say respectfully. I meant it, too. He will spend the whole day in the bathroom if you let him. He doesn't even GO most of the time! He sits in there to arrange his deck and think! I know that too cuz' I made the mistake of asking him why he took so long (I thought he fell in and drowned).<p>

So he went to the restroom and locked the door (those fangirls are getting BOLD!). Now I had 15 minutes to spare. I hummed a merry tune under my new gas mask as I wheeled in the tank of sleeping gases, and turned the nozzle. I paused as I walked out of the room, and tossed a few timed flash grenades near the bathroom door to temporarily blind him when he came out. There were no windows or air ducts in there, so all I had to do was lock, bolt, and barricade the door. Believe it or not, all of that was necessary to capture the illustrious Seto Kaiba.

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><p>"So glad to be out of that suit." I was walking down the street with a rope slung over my shoulder. Attached to it was a huge cart with what appeared to be a gigantic cake decorated in 'Kingdom Hearts' style, with a small Cloud figurine brandishing a bright, unlit yellow candle like a sword. I grunted as I ploughed along. "Good thing, too. I wouldn't want to get it all sweaty with all the work I'm doing. Yeesh, you're one heavy cake!"<p>

I had finally reached my destination a short while later. I rang the doorbell and waited. My sight was soon greeted with a short, blonde head. Cherry took one look at me, then made to shut the door again. "No, WAIT! I come in peace and bearing a gift." She gave me a suspicious look but came out anyway. I led her to the side of the house where I'd left the cart. "Whoa, what's this?" She exclaimed as I lit the candle and pulled out the stepladder. "Happy birthday, Cherry! Make a wish." She blew it out. "Ooh, ooh, I know this one! Stay up there, it's time for your present!" Running up to the cake, I unclasped the top, and pulled it clean off to reveal the concrete structure inside. Seto Kaiba was tied up and gagged sitting in his make-shift cage. He was scowling up at the both of us with his trademark death glare in place. A shrill squeal was all the warning I had before I heard something hit the ground behind me.

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><p>After I woke Cherry up and checked her over for any injuries, I let her know that Kaiba was all hers for the day, but to let him go tomorrow due to the fact that he had an important meeting the next day (something about a duel devise on wheels?) that he was required to attend. She agreed to my terms and Kaiba's terrified eyes where the last thing I saw before I went home. Good thing that Mr. Kaiba had contracted a 'cold' and had had to go home early today. I sang a happy tune as I walked. The job was hard, and I was glad that I would probably be fired tomorrow, that way I can return to my <em>actual<em> job that I love.

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><p>Kaiba was surprisingly calm when he came in the next day. I was sitting there; waiting for the fireworks to come so I could leave already (dueling is fun, just not the business side of it), when he dropped a whole boat load of work onto my desk and turned toward his office. "Um… what's this?" He looked back, "The notes for the next meeting, study them tonight and be here by five tomorrow morning." My smile fell. "WHY?" Now he was glaring at me. "Because that is your <em>job<em>? Or have you forgotten?" I blinked. "But I _kidnapped_ you!" "So?" "I gave you to my friend as a frickin' BIRTHDAY PRESENT!" " …And?" "And I'm not even a real secretary, I'm a archeologist with covert-ops training, for Luna's sake!" He looked scarily happy to hear that. "Good, that will serve me well." I went pale. "Aren't you angry because I gave you to Cherry for the day?" He turned and started walking toward his office again. Just when I thought he wouldn't answer, I barely heard him mumble. "Actually… she has pretty good cake." I felt my body hit the floor, even as my soul started to escape out of my mouth.

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><p>Apparently he liked the idea of having a secretary who can sneak into opposing businesses in disguise, steal their secrets, find ancient artifacts (Egyptian or otherwise), kidnap without leaving a trace, and keep all of his appointments straight more than he liked a regular secretary. Not to mention he heard me talking to a coworker about building a "Fangirl Defense System". He's working me to a metaphorical death, and on top of that but Cherry is also making me take secret photos of him while he works. I'm currently being held at a job against my will, please send help. And if you get this Cherry, you owe me one. BIG TIME!<p>

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><p>an: Yeah, a lot of horizontal breaks right? Sorry. If you don't review, I'm kidnapping Joey next!


	2. Kidnapping Joey

**Kidnapping Joey**

By

Elderwolves

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><p>'Oh! Here he comes, let's rock.' I hunkered further down into the shadows of the alley, my veins were alight with adrenaline. My new boss had <em>finally <em>caved and gave me the day off, though I had to hold his deck over a burning fire in my office (yes, in my **office**). Kaiba can be real stubborn when he wants to be; too bad for me that it's not an uncommon condition. I'm not even sure WHY I'm doing this, but whatever the reason, this is going to be fun. I snapped out of my thoughts as a voice neared my secret hiding spot.

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><p>"Oh come on, Tea! Why do I have'ta wear the stupid costume?" Joey whined. Tea huffed, "Because if you're going to talk with the intelligence of a dog, you might as well LOOK THE PART!" Tea looked like she had tears in her eyes, and was speaking with a lump in her throat. Joey had said something stupid again. Tristan looked resigned as he mumbled to the guy in the dog suit. "You know you shouldn't have called her a stuck up cheerleader." Joey just growled, "Is it really <em>my <em>fault if she gets upset easier once a month? I mean-" Tea looked back at them with a super sweet smile on her face, but she looked ready to kill. "Oh, Tristan! You do realize that if you walk with a dog, you're gonna get his fleas~" He gulped and saluted to Joey before running up to walk next to her. Not that Joey blamed him, she could be scary. Real scary. Despite that, he started falling farther and farther behind the others; not noticing at all when they disappeared completely.

Suddenly, something caught his attention. It was a smell and not just any smell; it smelled… greasy,… smokey,… and tasty…..! Then he saw it. It was the most beautiful thing in the world in his opinion. There, in the middle of the sidewalk, sat an entire pound of bacon on a paper plate. He nearly drowned in his own saliva at the sight. Joey leapt for the plate only to watch it slide to the right, toward an alley. He tried again, only for it to slide further into the dark alley. This continued for five minutes until he finally caught his elusive prize. Once he was done eating, he looked around only to find himself lost. It was then that Joey finally noticed that the plate (which he almost at along _with_ the bacon) had a fishing line attached to it. 'I gotta get out of here!' He thought. There was only two ways he could go ahead of him, and there was heavy growling coming from behind him; he decided not to go that way. So he decided to go to the left, and found it made a turn to the right. He began to walk around the corner only to be met with a giant witchdoctor's mask. The figure shrieked and held up a large spear to his face.

One terrified Joey ran back the way he came, now running down the corridor on the right. He rounded a corner only to smack into some metal bars. Joey heard a _clang_, and looked to see. The masked figure had closed the cage, and now he was trapped. Joey sat on the floor of the cage and whimpered pitifully. The figure began to remove their mask.

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><p>I removed my mask to revealed to the terrified teen in the dog suit my actual face… covered in a mask made to look like a kid in my class named Kim (poor her, she doesn't even know I'm using her face. :3). After my last attempt at kidnapping and winding up with my terrible and tiring new job, I learned that if they don't know who you are you can ALWAYS find a way to escape. Just don't let them see your real face. He seemed to calm down enough to get angry and grab the bars in front of me. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Let me out of here!" I sigh, "No, I don't think I will."<p>

With lightning speed I put a collar through the bars and around his neck, snapping the lock in place. He tried removing it a few times, but failed. "Now, are you going to behave?" I ask. "NOT ON YOUR LIFE, LADY!" He yelled. I pulled out a remote and pressed a button. _ZAP_! "OUCH!" "I'll ask again, are you going to behave?" Joey looked less certain. "…No." _ZAP_! "Are you going to **behave**?" "YES!" I frowned, "Yes, what?" I put my thumb on the button lightly. "'Yes, ma'am." "Good boy," I tossed him an extra slice of bacon. He caught it in his mouth and crooned happily while he ate it; then he realized what he just did. "Now, I'm going to take you out of the cage. If you try to escape, not only will I _press_ the button, I will hold it there for five seconds. Okay?" He nodded cautiously.

I opened the door and immediately put a leash on his collar. "Whoa, what the-" I looked at him, "Well there IS a leash law here, you know. If you aren't on one, the pound will take you away. I don't think you'll do well there, not with all those big huskies waiting around to jump ya every time the worker leaves the room." Joey looked gobsmacked as I led the way out of the alley and in the opposite direction of where his friends were headed. "So… where are we headed?" I smile contentedly, "The dog park."

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><p>Joey was not happy, not one little bit. The girl who had trapped him was forcing him to play with the other mutts in the park. The girl, Victoria I think it was, had gave him two conditions: play nice and don't bite or hurt the people or animals, or he'd be punished; and he could do anything he wanted as long as he didn't leave the park, or he'd be punished. Everything was fine until he happened to walk past her while she was talking to another dog's owner. 'Wait <em>another dog's<em> owner! I'm not her dog!' While he was thinking this, he happened to hear the conversation with his super hearing capabilities. "Oh, is that your dog; the one with the cute blonde patch and floppy ears? He's _adorable_!" Said one of the shorter ladies. Victoria nodded, "Isn't he though? I just got him today." Joey ran over to the couple and gapped at her companion like a fish. "I'm NOT A DOG! What is wrong with you?" She looked at his supposed owner. "He seems to be upset." Victoria nodded, and then snapped her fingers. She pulled out a plastic bag filled with dog biscuits and stuffed one into his still protesting mouth. Joey tried to gag and spit it out until he noticed that it wasn't really a dog treat, it was a chocolate-chip cookie shaped to look like a bone. Again, he whined happily and fell onto his back eating his treat while both girls started to rub his tummy. They then played fetch, threw Frisbees, and played a friendly game of scare-the-other-patrons-of-the-park-by-hiding-in-the-bushes. Joey was having fun until some Rottweiler came up behind him while he was kneeling in the bush and thought his tail looked like a sausage.

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><p>Tea and Tristan jumped as they heard a pained howl outside. Tristan fidgeted in his seat, "Um… Tea? Don't you think we should go find Joey? I mean he's been gone for a long time now." She glared at him and said, "No, he's probably out there somewhere brooding about being in trouble. Why? Do you think that he DESERVES to be out of the suit?" Her eyes had an unnatural light about them, her hair seemed to rise with menace, and even poor Yugi was cowering in a corner and muttering to himself. "Scary, scary, scary…" Tea slowly turned to him, and Yugi passed out from fear. Joey was right; she IS scary at this time of the month. She snapped back to him, "WELL!" He just squeaked, "NO, DEAR!" Her face lit up and she looked back at the T.V. in their joint apartment. Tristan blushed then paled when he thought about what he just said.<p>

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><p>After a quick stop at the vet, I was dragging a giant pet carrier down the street (in the same cart that I dragged Kaiba). Joey was put to sleep (not THAT sleep) while the stitches where put in. When he woke up, we were at my house. "Hey… where are we?" Joey asked groggily. "At your new home; you are going to be my new guard dog!" I let him out of the carrier, and showed him his own room and the rest of the house. "There are some rules,: you will guard the house, clean up after yourself, return to the house when I tell you unless you have a valid reason, use the BATHROOM and not my YARD, and will ask BEFORE bringing your friends over. In return, you can eat what you like, sleep where you like but not in my bedroom (OFF LIMITS, go there = you die), leave when you like, duel when you like, I will always keep a supply of those dog treats you like so much, and I will tell you whenever Kaiba does something particularly funny. Deal?" He thought about it, she obviously had no interest towards him in <em>that way.<em> And this was a pretty sweet deal, all he had to do was guard the place and it wasn't like he was being held prisoner; if he said no now then he would be let out. He then thought about where he was living now: four people, one bathroom; tiny kitchen; cramped living space. He looked in her direction. "How much bacon you got?" Victoria smirked, "Enough that we can each have three pounds a day." He was so in. She stopped smirking when she saw his feet on her carpet. "Are you really wearing SHOES in my HOUSE?" He gulped as a giant rolled-up newspaper came out of nowhere.

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><p>A few months later we adopted a little Serenity kitten to keep Joey company, he still duels and uses that to help defend my house. I never get bored at home. Now if something could only be done to make my life at Kaiba Corp. more interesting... I'll work on that tomorrow.<p>

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><p>an: I know for a FACT that not all of you reviewed, now SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES! Muahahahahaha! Not really. This story was requested by Dancingteabags, so thank her for this awesome addition. This is not a slash between me and Joey, for those who made the misunderstanding. I needed a guard dog, and Joey is my favorite character. This very well may be the final chapter. Unless someone else has a request? It doesn't have to be in this area either, any idea. I do not own ANY of the characters. And I hope I got the name of his sister right, if not then I'm sorry. Oh and by the way, there is NO ONE NAMED KIM! Suckers! XD kidding.


	3. Trick or Treat, Bakura!

**Trick or Treat, Bakura**

a/n: Hello, and thank you for reading Kaiba VS the Secretary this far. This story was requested by Adorehim88, so that's who you should thank for idea for this chapter in this (once one-shot) now saga. The victim (Oops, GUEST… I mean guest!) is going to be **YAMI** Bakura, but for the sake of laziness he will simply be called Bakura. I happen to celebrate Halloween all year long, so this story takes place on Halloween night. Enjoy! Or you might just wind up like dear Bakura~

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><p>It is Halloween night, the most revered holiday in my opinion. I was standing at the top of a building, overlooking the streets. The sun had gone down and shadows covered everything, everyone… especially me. On this night every year, Dark Victoria comes out to play. I look up into the sky; yes, it is a full moon tonight. Its light spills down, gently illuminating my grin, now full of sharp teeth; and hazel eyes, now with dilated pupils. There will be no gentleness tonight. No, I've waited too long, too long since the last 364 days have passed, too long since my last victim. The wolf has been asleep for so long, so long, and now it has awoken. My train of thought was shattered when I saw a head of white hair, strutting down the sidewalk as if he owned it, glancing at the little kids in costumes as if he'd like nothing more than to kick the annoying brats into heavy traffic. It was almost as if he thought <em>he<em> was the hunter, but not tonight. Tonight that title was MINE. I chuckled evilly as I leapt from my perch and down into the network of alleys below.

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><p>'Stupid brats, they're always in the way,' Thought Bakura as he made his way down the street. After a while of weaving through bunches of costumed kids, Bakura was about to pull his hair out… or that of some of the kids. He saw an alley and thankfully ducked into it, there was no one going to be walking through there and so he would have it to himself. He sighed in bliss at how quiet it was. This was why Bakura hated holidays, it was always so noisy. His other self would disagree, but who cared what he thought? He was just a host, although a useful one.<p>

He walked for about ten minutes, and was lost in his own thoughts.

_Duuh, da._

Something moved in his peripheral vision, causing him to stop.

_Duuh, da._

"Who's there? Speak up, or you will regret it!" He called. A sound from behind him; he spun around.

_Duuh, da. Duuh, da._

"Hello?" Noise seemed to be coming from all around him; he thought he saw something move, it was all around him! He couldn't keep up!

_DUUH, DA! DUUH, DA! DUUH, DA! DUUH, DA!_

He never noticed the figure behind him until the sack was thrown over him.

_DUUH, DA, DUUH, DA, __**DAAADAAADA**__!_ (LOL Jaws theme XD)

_SMACK!_

Bakura's vision went white, then red. He knew no more.

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><p>When he woke up, he was laying in the middle of a hallway. His head was killing him, what the <em>hell<em> just happ- He paled and began frantically looking for his millennium ring, and found it after nearly having a panic attack. But WHY in the name of dueling was he wearing a TUXEDO? Somehow he didn't like the feeling he was getting from this place. Bakura groaned as he stood up, and began walking through the old house. After five minutes of opening doors and finding nothing but empty rooms, rooms that led to more empty rooms, and doors that were painted on the wall, Bakura was PISSED. Yet he continued to look for the exit, not liking his position at all. He came to another door, this one different than the others. Soft music reached his ears from under the door. "At last…" He turned the knob.

The room inside was filled halfway with pews, a single candle on each lighting the room. Instead of people, skeletons occupied the seats. His gaze traveled up the isle to the front of the room where he saw the form of a figure in a light pink wedding dress facing the front. 'She should know how to get out of here.' Thought Bakura. He stormed up the steps until he was behind her. He noticed the short brown hair and grinned to himself, 'Probably some tom-boy.' He turned her around and saw the face of… of… he screamed.

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><p>Seto Kaiba glared down at him from under a translucent pink veil, his mascara running down both his cheeks. He looked ready to murder in that pink dress; pink stilettos, breast-enhancement pads on his chest, and silk gloves that went all the way to his elbows. Kaiba looked up and down his form, that's when Bakura realized that he was still wearing that tuxedo. Before it had time to set in, Mokuba walked in with two rings on a pillow. After five whole minutes of the three staring each other down, Bakura started screaming and ran out of the room.<p>

I walked in and faced my boss, "Good job," I said as I patted him on the shoulder. He glanced at me, "We have kept our end of the bargain, and you will keep yours." "Of course, I will build the Anti-fangirl-defense-system for your office, arrange for an entire hour for your restroom breaks for the next week, and will never speak a word of this." Mokuba ahem-ed to get our attention. "You will also take Mokuba to Disneyworld," Kaiba added. "Good, deal." He then left with his younger brother to get changed.

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><p>Bakura ran as far as his legs would carry him, down corridors and up stairs until he was positive he couldn't run anymore. He found himself in another hallway. 'Got to hide, got to hide!' He tried all the doors but only one was unlocked. He burst in, locking the door behind him. "Welcome…," said two familiar voices. Bakura slowly turned and saw Joey and Serenity standing by the window. They both had blank expressions on their faces and were holding hands. They both also wore black suits. He ran over and shook Joey by his shoulders, "You have to help me! Kaiba has gone over the deep end!" He didn't say anything, but flopped limply in Bakura's arms. Sensing something was wrong, he let go and stepped away. Joey and Serenity spoke in unity, "You left the wedding; do you want to play with us?" Now Bakura was freaked out, and they both took a step forward. "Come play with us Bakura, play with us… forever." They backed him into a corner, smiling. Suddenly, they both shot out a hand and grasped his throat. "Play with us!" They had furious expressions on their faces, as if angered by his fear. Bakura shoved them away and ran from them to the door, only to discover it locked. Joey and Serenity started walking toward him again, slowly. He panicked, frantically turning the knob until it opened. He flung himself from the room and continued to run, not seeing the smirks on the siblings' faces as the door closed behind them.<p>

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><p>'Those guys have all LOST IT!' He thought. Bakura ran further into the house. Finally he reached the room I was in. The doors slammed open and I heard the screeching of sneakers on linoleum, my back was turned to the door as I heard him stop. My attention was completely on the pot in front of me. Bakura had finally reached the kitchen. He looked around and walked toward me cautiously. "Um… who are you?" I chopped some carrots and put them into the pot. "I… am Victoria, the owner of this house." He made a noncommittal sound, "So… what are you doing?" "Making dinner, but the meat for the stew hasn't arrived yet."I didn't turn around. Now he was behind me, "What kind of stew?" I held up my cleaver and looked at my reflection in the blade, and turned to face him. He screamed.<p>

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><p>I had blood all over my apron and some on my face; my eyes were wild as I held up the thick knife. "Why, Stewed Bakura of course!" I looked at the door, "After all, my lovely children have been asking for it for such a long time!" Kaiba, Mokuba, Joey, and Serenity walked in and sat at the dinner table. "Yes, Mother dear." They said. I cheerfully smiled and turned to Bakura. I stopped smiling, pointed my knife between his eyes. "Now… are you going to get in the pot like a good meal? Or do you have to be forced, just like that stupid pig or that dumb chicken?" He paled and ran out the door leading to the back yard. "You're right, this IS fun," Said sweet and innocent Serenity. SUPPOSEDLY sweet and innocent, apparently. The other four occupants of the room gapped at her. "…What?"<p>

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><p>Bakura sprinted away, relieved to be out of that madhouse but fearful of if he was being followed. He was looking back, and so didn't see where he was going. He slammed into something heavy and landed on his butt. He looked up into the face of… himself. He ran into a statue of himself. There was an inscription at the bottom: "Here lies Bakura whats-his-face, good friend poor duelist. He left a grieving widow behind when he was driven insane, believing cannibals where after him. Died while buried alive." He looked next to where he landed to see a huge hole in the ground not two inches from him. He yelped and fled for the safety of the fence ahead of him.<p>

He jumped over it, and started running again. Sweat was pouring off him in waves, his legs were sore from running, and he was going to have nightmares for weeks. Bakura turned a corner and ran into someone. He looked and saw Yugi standing there looking confused… and passed out in fear.

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><p>"Hey, what's his problem?" Said Yugi. He walked around Bakura's unconscious body and continued on. "Where is everyone, anyway? I thought that Joey and Serenity were going to show me their new housemate today; oh wait, this is the right house!" He walked right up to the house that Bakura had just escaped from, and knocked. I opened the door and led him inside for some tea. "Oh, and I can't wait to show you the tape that we just made together. Bakura was a great help, wasn't he everyone?" The Wheelers nodded and the Kaibas smirked. "Don't you just LOVE Halloween?" I sigh contentedly.<p>

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><p>an: Yeah, so that's it. Sorry if it's not as funny as the others. If it were light Bakura, I would have been a bit nicer. This is a result of almost no sleep, and having Coraline playing on my T.V. on replay when I finally did drop off. Please RxR. Any more requests? Oh, and DARK VICTORIA! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! :)


	4. Curiosity Leads Where?

Curiosity Killed the Cat

a/n: This chapter features _**Ryo**_ Bakura (or _**Light**_ Bakura, for those who know not what they read), one of my favorite characters as a kid. For that reason, I will be a LITTLE nicer to him. Again, the guy will be called Bakura, not _**Ryo**_ Bakura for lazy purposes. But this is _**RYO**_ bakura! Yami Bakura will be shorteded to Yami after the first time, so be warned. Another request from Adorehim88; you go, dude! Sorry for the long wait, but Junior year sucks. Enjoy!

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><p>Bakura was at a loss. He was torn between amusement at getting to watch the dark spirit in him squirm in fear, and the daunting knowledge that whatever becomes of it in his body also happens to <em>him<em>. It just wasn't fair that he was bound by such conditions! He really envied Yugi; he got along with his Millennium spirit so well and NEVER he had to worry about it plotting and scheming. His friends even LIKED the spirit! Or at least had no misgivings about it. But **he**, **he** had to get the **evil** one. The one that had absolutely no problem with using his host as well as he pleased, not giving a single thought about his own wellbeing or that of his friends as long as his goals are reached. What a life…

But watching him running around in terror like a chicken being chased by an ax-wielding farmer was the funniest thing Bakura had ever seen! Serves him right! Last night he had the most fun he'd had in a long time, ever since discovering that his body was not wholly his own anymore. It's been quiet all day today too; he could actually control what he did and said, which was rare. Now would be a good time to tell his friends about the evil spirit; but even if it was quiet now, it probably would not stand for that to happen.

So while he still had his freedom, he decided to go back to the place Yami had been abducted to for a couple of laughs. For a God-knows-how-old evil entity, Yami was thoroughly traumatized. Bakura was tickled pink. He had been walking around looking for it when he finally spotted it over the backyard fence. He actually had to climb partially over it to make sure it was the right place. Yep, this is it. They STILL had the headstone with him on it out back; apparently the privacy fence was WELL used. But he had heard from the people he had asked that the owner, a young girl named Victoria Bannister, had recently gotten herself a guard dog. He couldn't help but wonder where it was as he hopped the fence and landed in the back yard…

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><p>Joey sneezed and rubbed his nose while staring at the various beakers and tubes. Apparently Victoria had gotten her hands on the science channel and had decided that she was going to do some experimenting. The room connected to the backdoor was then converted into a lab, complete with eye-wash station, emergency shower, five lab tables, various materials, and a large quantity of weird equiptment that he had no damn clue what its purpose was. He HATED science class in school. But even stranger than that, what WAS a closet now had a metal door and a high-tech keypad on it. "Now don't you open that door, got it? Not for ANY REASON are you to open that door!" Victoria had said. Even though <strong>Dark<strong> Victoria had gone away the minute the sun rose that morning (now the day after Halloween), she had had such a serious look on her face when she said it and Joey dared not question it. Right now she was currently working at one of the counters working with some strange multi colored liquids she had in a flask over a Bunsen burner. Her shoulder length brown hair had been pulled carefully into a pigtail, her glasses were pulled all the way up her face rather than dangling off her nose, and a stark white lab coat covered her street clothes. A look of deep concentration dominated her features. Serenity was sitting on a stool next to the counter watching whatever the owner of the house did with great interest, occasionally handing her materials as they were requested.

Joey was surprised to say the least; he had never expected to see their crazy 'owner' so hard at work or so serious. Is this how she was while at work? No wonder Kaiba refused to terminate her employment, no matter what things she did to get fired. He would think that she was making candy or some sort of sleeping gas to help her while abducting people (just ask Kaiba, pffft. Never saw it coming!), but no. They had both been called down to help her with a 'very important experiment'. As it would happen, she was trying something particularly strange: a meditation serum.

The serum, according to her, would give the drinker the clearest state of mind that they had ever had. If you had a problem in life, you would drink it and gain insight into the situation like never before. Peace of mind in a bottle! When she first heard it, Serenity started clapping her hands. When he first heard it, he fell over in shock. After he recovered, they asked to watch. He had to guard the house, but how likely was it that someone was going to break in today? The house would be fine without him for ONE day, right? Besides, if this worked imagine how it would affect the world of dueling! Duel Monster history could be in the making, and Joey was NOT going to miss it. Even if it didn't work, it wasn't like he had anything else to do today.

Victoria went to open a small new pack of Dacauscos powder, but accidentally knocked it under the table. She bent to pick it up, but couldn't find it. Joey and Serenity also went under the large table to look for it, and were so absorbed in finding the package that they never heard the door open.

* * *

><p>After wandering around the back yard for a while, Bakura decided to take a look in the house. He didn't see anyone in the windows, so the people living here (if there WAS anyone living here) were probably out. He heard the faint sound of bubbling liquid, so maybe they had an indoor fountain somewhere. He found the door surprisingly unlocked. He walked inside to find himself in some kind of… laboratory? He'd had a good deal of fun watching Yami be tortured, but he didn't remember him ever running through a lab. The bubbling sound was coming from a set of beakers full of strange chemicals on a large table near the door. He walked over to a large metal door at the far side of the room and tried to see inside through the glass pane.<p>

* * *

><p>Finally, Serenity found the small package and we all climbed out from under the table. We heard a small noise behind us and turned to see Bakura with his face against the door of the high-security room. My expression turned panicky, "GET AWAY FROM THERE!" Bakura jumped and spun around to face them. He looked startled, but then began to relax into his usual smile. Before he could say anything, his face clouded with something akin to pain and then terror. Without turning around, his hands began frantically turning the handle. The lock and keypad were attached to the door, but weren't set up yet. I started to run over there when he finally got the door open, "OH, SHI— hit the deck!" Serenity and Joey both lunged for the table next to them, and I dropped under the counter… Bakura just stood there, wide eyed as the set of chemicals across the room exploded in his direction…<p>

* * *

><p>Bakura jumped as he heard the voice, he turned and saw Joey, Serenity, and a brunet in a lab coat he assumed to be Victoria. He was about to apologize for intruding when he felt Yami stir. He recognized the three immediately and began panic, not bothering to shield it from Bakura. As waves of fear washed over him that weren't his own, Bakura's hands began hysterically turning the knob of the door behind him, trying to get away. Even though he knew that the likely hood of that room having a second entrance was slim, Yami was petrified beyond reasoning. The girl began running toward him, and that's when he got the door open. His body starting tingling fiercely as if he'd been electrocuted, the girl panicked and had everyone duck out of the way. But he couldn't move and there was nothing she could do. He could only stare helplessly as he watched the chemicals in the back of the room explode, it's powerful waves of debris and heat rushing straight for him. That was the last thing he saw before his world was enveloped in black, where not even Yami could reach him…<p>

* * *

><p>Bakura sat up with a start. His head was killing him and he felt as if he had been torn limb from limb due to how sore his body was. He actually had to lie back down with his eyes closed for several minutes until the pain had ebbed to a tolerable ache. He got back to his feet looked about his surroundings… wait, where the HELL was he?<p>

Instead of buildings, he was at the bottom of a _hole_. WHY was he at the bottom of a HOLE? He tried to recall what had happened, until it all came back to him. The lab, the door, the girl, **everything**. Was he dead? Is this supposed to be his grave? 'Well… they DID already have the headstone…' Bakura paled, "WHOA, what the heck am I thinking!" He shouted. He tried to climb up one side of the deep pit but fell a quarter of the way up. This was NOT good. "HELP! Hello? Is there anyone out there?"His cries where met with silence, then he heard a scuffling above, and then the head of a cocker spaniel came into view. Ooookay…. Bakura just shrugged his shoulders; why not? "Lassie, I've fallen down this well! Go get help!" The dog opened its mouth, as if to bark. "Get it yourself," and it walked off. He fell over, complete with his soul escaping through his mouth. That… never mind. He resolved to live the rest of his life pretending he did NOT just see that. He heard shifting and thuds behind him.

He turned and was instantly covered with dust, making it hard to see or breathe. When he finally opened his eyes and saw the cause. Some dirt on the side of one wall of the enclosure had collapsed outward toward him, revealing a tunnel. While he was staring at it, he felt something hard hit him in the head. At his feet were a candle holder and matches. Bakura looked just in time to see a paw retract out of his vision. "Um… thank you?" He didn't get a response. Sighing, he took the offered (?) supplies and, after striking the candle to light it, entered the newly revealed cavern.

It was dark the entire way, which made him immensely grateful for the candle he had in hand. He just hoped that this thing had an end, preferably _above_ ground. If that wasn't too much trouble. It probably was; after all, he didn't have much _good_ luck. GOD, he hated Yami! After about ten minutes, the agitated teen finally saw a light ahead of him. It opened up into what appeared to be a small hollow at the base of a great oak tree, surrounded by trees on all sides. With great excitement, he crawled through it and was face to face with… Lassie. 'How did she?' "Follow me." She turned and began trotting away. Bakura scrambled to his feet and had to run to catch up with the bemused dog. He wanted to ask how she got there before him, but every time he opened his mouth to speak, she growled. So he just shut up.

At length, she led him to a large statue. Bakura gasped at what it was: it was the Change of Heart sculpted in stone. However there was one difference, instead of being half dark and half light, it was completely dominated by the shadows. Two black demon wings protruded out of its back and it emitted an enraged menacing aura. But as he watched, the sun (which had been previously been hidden behind storm clouds) erupted from behind its veil. Both of the blackened wings softened into feathers of purest white, the heinous atmosphere seemed to dissipate under the suns bright glare, and the statue itself seemed to smile gently down at him. Bakura fell to his knees in his awe, looking first to the statue and then to the clear and cloudless sky. He stared at them both until their radiance seemed to blind him, because soon all he could see was white…

* * *

><p>He woke up with a feeling of lightness, lying in a soft bed that he didn't recognize. Around him were the faces of Joey and Serenity, both looking relieved. "So, you've decided to join the living?" Said a voice with a chuckle. Bakura looked past the foot of the bed and saw Victoria standing there with a grin on her face, obviously she was joking. She was still wearing the lab coat and now had a clipboard in one hand and a wooden box in the other. "Well, I <em>hate<em> doctoring. Can't STAND the sight of blood, you know! But because of these special conditions, I've decided to make you the exception. How are you feeling?" Bakura tested out his limbs and said with definite certainty, "Yeah, in fact I've never felt better!" She nodded, "Good to hear it! I've got some things to do, so why don't you visit with your friends and have dinner with us. You've been asleep for a whole two days, and I need to clean the guestroom anyway. At any rate, you've suffered no serious damage and are fit to leave at any time you like." That sounded like a plan; now that he was awake, Bakura realized just how HUNGRY he was! He thanked her as she was headed out the door. "Anytime…," Was all she said.

* * *

><p>As I left the room I thought about the happenings of the past two days. The high-security room was being used to store some high radiation stones, which momentarily paralyzed Bakura and caused the chemical mixture I had created to explode as a reaction to the foreign substance. I wasn't sure what would happen if it hit anyone, so I'd told everyone to duck. Bakura couldn't move, I'd realized too late, so he was hit with the full effects. He'd fallen unconscious and had been brought to the guestroom for observation and treatment. But I knew one symptom for a fact: the changed serum caused him to lose something.<p>

I walked back into the lab and opened the box, setting it on the table. The inside was entirely covered in runes and symbols that seemed to glow and shift as you looked at them. I took out a pair of tongs and bent to the floor to pick up the object he had dropped near the metal door. The object was lifted without me touching it and placed in the special velvet lining the inside the box, covering the runes; it would seal away any powerful object or creature that it enclosed, preventing escape or signs of its existence. Good thing it didn't come into direct contact with anyone, this thing was nothing but trouble. The Millennium Ring glittered innocently up at me from inside the box, spirit once more held captive within. I closed the box and sealed it further with some old incantations I had learned in my travels, and began to carry my horrible burden up the stairs and into the attic. No one, not even Joey or Serenity, were allowed up there. It was where I kept any number of dangerous items and artifacts, things that should best be left alone which were now under my guard to protect and defend against. Sometimes it stinks to have been trained as a Medicine Man.

I was also a bit irritated that my serum had been corrupted; what I had intended to create was a Meditation Serum, but the radiation from the store room Bakura unleashed had morphed it into an exceptional exorcism potion. It was a good thing, just not the one that I had intended to do at that moment. I didn't regret it, but now I have to start all over to produce my serum. I smile to myself, looking at the box containing the evil spirit of the Millennium Ring. Never again would this Yami bother Bakura, he was finally free. Although I chuckled, I felt my own Yami float somewhere near the surface. Near enough to make its presence known, but not enough to cause the transition. "Let's play some more next Halloween, huh Yami?" I laughed darkly as I turned to walk away, "Oops, you won't have a body then, will you?" My smile disappears, as a stoic expression replaces it. "Not now, not ever." I began the slow trek down the stairs, leaving the artifact surrounded by dust and dirt, without a single being besides myself ever knowing what has become of it. The lock turned in the door, but it was met only with silence from within.

* * *

><p>an: Hey there, a bit more serious ain't it? Still got some comedy, but this one is a bit more focused on the plot. I just couldn't do anything funny (translation: mean, cruel, traumatizing, wow you people have pretty sick senses of humor). Dacauscos powder was named after the guy from Kyo Kara Maoh! And I REALLY hate Yami Bakura. Oh, and for those of you who don't know: Dark Victoria = Yami Victoria. Just sayin'. READ AND REVIEW!


	5. Project: Rex

**Project: REX**

a/n: This story was requested by Cherry of the first chapter. Apparently, Rex just doesn't get enough attention. So, she set me to remedy this monstrosity… by sucking him into my dark web of victims. She said she really likes him, go figure? As long as she isn't crushing on _Weeval_ I can live with myself. So enjoy!

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><p>'Uh, I'm sooooo bored!' I had been sitting at this desk typing for HOURS, and still had so much left to do before I could go home. Home… I want a cookie… I just baked some yesterday… they should still be there… if Joey didn't eat them… then maybe some bacon? NO! Must focus! Kaiba had been especially busy as of late, and that has somewhat permeated over to me. Not that I can really complain, the pay is good, it's just that you wouldn't believe how tiring it is having to follow someone around day after day, make his schedule, fix said schedule when things pop up at a moment's notice, and you have to deal with EVERYONE who wants a piece of him (or at least those who show up at his work place). But I will tell you this: paper work, believe it or not, DOES get helluva lot boring after a while. My only entertainment are the weirdo's that come up out of the blue, picking fights with Kaiba and demanding a duel for some reason or another. Luckily for me, this seemed to be one of those days.<p>

I could make out the sound of muffled yelling coming from the inside of Kaiba's office, and grew curious. Whoever this guy is, he must have come up while I was on my pepsi break (Kaiba refuses to let me have coffee). I heard the sound of glass smashing against the wall and paled. Today he was using the good china. Whoever this was, they were going to pay because Kaiba would _never_ smash the good china. Last time someone was stupid enough to break (accidentally this time) a piece of the good china, Kaiba had him dragged away by his little toes and tortured for hours in a part of the Kaiba Corp. building called "The Duel Dungeons". A bit of genius really; a victim was placed into a special robot suit and used in a real life duel match… with them as the monsters. It's all fun and games, until a guy stuck in a Dark Magician suit starts hitting you repeatedly with his 'staff' until you finally 'go to the graveyard'. The duelists themselves have no clue that the new online game published by Kaiba Corp. is actually happening in real life, but they have fun anyway. And I knew, deep in my heart, that this poor soul was also destined to be sent to the 'dungeon' by the 'Dark Prince of Games' himself. So it was little surprise to me when two of the guards, John and Mathew this time, rushed inside to take away whoever was inside. But what did surprise me was the person who came out.

"HEY! Let go of me, you losers! I'm telling ya I DO have an appointment with this asshole!" Rex, with his hat nearly falling off, being carried out by the two taller males, and struggling to free himself as if his life depended on it, was being dragged out of my boss's office from where he had apparently snuck into while I left my intern in charge. That intern was _SO_ going to get it! A decidedly less chipper Seto Kaiba followed the others outside, holding out a broken tea cup as though it were a wounded kitten. Then he looked back at Rex and his expression… was an emotion deeper than murderous. With eyes dilated with fury, his gaze traveled over the spectators until they landed on me and seemed to snap back into focus with the intensity of a hawk. I grew just a shade paler. My boss turned to the guards holding Rex, "Leave him there for a moment." Kaiba turned back to address me, "You seem to be bored, as of late. I think you will find this an interesting toy, if only for a few hours. Take care of it." I looked back at the poor soul being dangled sideways by the guards, looking straight into the eyes of the intruder; I did not see fear, or apprehension, or regret… I saw arrogance, I saw anger, and I saw a little cat that DARED to challenge a wolf! Oh, yes… this one needed to be taught, needed to know why that was a stupid idea. I, the wolf would teach this cat. This would be fun.

* * *

><p>Kaiba saw the sequence of expressions on her face, starting with surprise and ending with an evil smirk, and gave one of his own. This urchin would regret just barging into his office and demanding a duel, would regret smashing his good china against the wall, and would soon regret whatever it was his twisted little secretary was about to do to him. After all, that little stunt with Bakura on Halloween was pretty good, he would admit. Even if he did have to wear the stupid dress; but the fact that it made Mokuba laugh made the situation a little better. However, that was then and this is now. And now he would pay. He watched as Ms. Bannister dragged her new quarry over to him. "Sir, may I have the rest of the day off to play with my new toy?" He nodded sagely, "Go ahead, and take tomorrow off too." It was totally worth it to see the look of utter disbelief smack her in the face before he ordered another cup of tea to be brought to his office.<p>

* * *

><p>Normally, I enjoy having psychological warfare on my victims. I like that part of my job a lot, I really do. But the fact that I had to stop at a store on the way home and buy DUCKTAPE cause I couldn't take his yapping anymore was just too much. I was even tempted to let him go, but then that would be a waste of a present. But it was crazy to see just how Rex was sucking the fun out of this! Victims should be seen and not… no, wait, that's not right either. I can't even <em>see<em> straight from the sheer amount of headache this guy was giving me! That added to the fact that he was FRIGGEN HEAVY for his size did nothing for my bad mood. It almost wasn't worth it. Almost.

I'm sure Joey could use the entertainment. Poor thing had been laid up in bed for days with a high fever, and though it wasn't anywhere near fatal it also wasn't showing any signs of going away. Seeing me torture Rex might cheer him up a little. After all, wasn't laughter the best medicine? Besides, I also need a good laugh. The paperwork… oh, the HORRIBLE paperwork. But as bad as that is, I'm still convinced that Joey was feeling worse. Ironically, he was passing his time playing the new Kaiba Corp. online game (i.e. Kaiba's Duel Dungeon) and I saw no reason to tell him what was ACTUALLY happening to that Dark Blade he just pummeled. No need to ruin the fun. But THIS will brighten up his mood. I looked down at my captive, suddenly realizing that it was far too quiet for him. The idiot, newly captured in enemy territory, had fallen _ASLEEP_? Oh well, the better to set up my best for the… _guest's_ comfort. Heh…

* * *

><p>His head hurt, making Rex even angrier than he was before. Ha, like that's hard to do. He tried to open his eyes, but the harsh lights quickly shut them again. 'Where the hell am I?' "You are everywhere, and you are nowhere." He could have sworn he didn't say that out loud. Again, he tried to open his eyes and was more successful. He found himself sitting on some type of grate suspended by chains that disappeared somewhere high above his head in the ceiling. And below him was… "AHHHH!" Rex nearly jumped out of his skin when he saw the simmering pool of brown liquid directly under him. The platform he was standing on was tiny in comparison to the huge expanse of gunk below him. He tried looking for a way out of the situation but could find none. The rest of the room was dark, and the only thing he could see was a platform across from his, only <strong>THAT<strong> one wasn't dangling over the pit. He wanted to be on that one. Yet it still didn't have a way down so he kept looking around the room. "Don't even bother, Rex," Said the voice again. He spun around and saw the woman from that bastard Kaiba's office standing there. "What the hell do YOU want? And while you're at it, let me down from here, stupid woman!" A vein popped out of her forehead. He heard whispers coming from the darkness surrounding them, "I thought Victoria got that checked at the doctors?" "She did, maybe she needs to go back?" He couldn't see the owners of the voices, but figured that glaring down the obviously pissed girl in front of him was more important.

Suddenly, the girl named Victoria looked up at him with pure evil in her eyes and a smile filled with venom was directed at him. He actually felt his stomach drop a little from how bat-shit-scary she looked. "Kaiba gave you to me." He paled, "But I might let you go." 'Shit, this chic is too wimpy to do anything! Probably just one of my many fans trying to get my autograph or something.' "That's where you would be wrong," she yawned. She walked up the platform until she was at its end with what appeared to be… a dueldisk? She wanted to DUEL? Ha, this will be easy. "Don't jump to conclusions, Named-After-Prehistoric-Chicken. I will make you a deal: We duel; if you win, you go free." Rex leaned back against the railings of his platform, trying to be cool. "Ha, this will be a piece of cake! Not that it matters, because we all know what's gonna happen, but what do you get if, by some **MIRICLE**, you win?" The vein was out again. "I won't say for now; but you're right, there _is_ one catch. Every time you take damage to your life points, you will be dipped in chocolate." Now he was confused, "What chocolate?"

"_This_ chocolate."

She pressed a button on her duel disk and the platform he was standing on suddenly plunged into the pit below. After a few minutes of floundering, he felt the platform lift again. Victoria was actually LAUGHING as his chocolate covered form was hauled back into the air to rest where it was before. Now he was totally PISSED! "HA, see how you like it when I drain all your life points and YOU get dunked into the stupid chocolate!"

* * *

><p>I looked at the now growling figure of Rex covered in chocolate in confusion, "What do you mean?" "I'm going to love watching you fall in. And then I'll win the duel!" Oh, there seemed to be a little misunderstanding, "Oh no, Rex. You will be the only one dipping, today. My station isn't even rigged to it!" I loved seeing Rex's face fall, "Then why do <strong>I HAVE TO BE<strong>?" A shrug, "Hey, it's **your** freedom we're dueling for. Besides, my friends want a snack." A spotlight suddenly lit and showed Joey and Serenity sitting at a dessert table with forks and knives, looking at Rex. The afore mentioned duelist paled and backed away, "O…okay! I'll duel, I'll duel!" I smirked, that's what I wanted to hear, my good man!" So, I threw him a spare duel disk and began.

It was a couple of hours later and Rex had done a fairly good job of keeping himself alive with ingenuity, flexibility, and one hell of a stack of 'Graceful Charities'. However, this did not stop the fact that he was now completely covered, head to toe, in chocolate. It was hilarious seeing his face as the platform kept dropping out. But this had to end soon; I was getting bored and Joey was looking pale again. It's not good that he's been out of bed for even this long. I think he was getting delirious, cause he kept looking at the red of Rex's cap sticking out of the chocolate and muttering "chocolate covered strawberries" to himself. That was not good. I can't actually let him _eat_ anyone, however funny it would be! Especially when he came to his senses… nope, can't do that. Before I could do anything, however, I heard the doorbell sound upstairs. After excusing myself from the duel (and dunking a complaining Rex to shut him up) I left the comfort of my basement to find none other than Cherry herself at my doorstep.

"Hi, I came by to return the Skip Beat manga I borrowed." I nodded, "Cool, did you like it?" "Yeah, I guess. Mind if I come in? How's Joey doing?" I stepped aside to let her through, "Not much better. I thought I'd bring over some entertainment to make him feel better but it doesn't seem to be working." She started to head up the stairs so I hurried after her, "Oh, Cherry! He's not in his room, he's in the basement watching me duel." She turned around and began walking in the direction of the basement. "Hey, who're you dueling this time? Someone good I hope, because I haven't seen a good duel in a while and- " She turned at the stairs and saw the entire set up including Joey and Serenity at the 'Cannibal Table' as I liked to call it. She just turned back to me with a single word, "Explain." So I told her everything that was going on, and was surprised when she pulled me aside for a moment. "Can I ask for a favor?" She had a downright EVIL look on her face, so I nodded. "I know what you should do if he loses." Cherry whispered it in my ear, and I thought it was a pretty good idea.

* * *

><p>It didn't take long for me to finally beat Rex, but the look on his face was priceless. He looked terrified for the first time since he arrived, and I REVELED in it! But apparently, my joy was meant to be cut short. Right as I drained the last of his life points and dunked him for the final time in the vat of chocolate, a disgruntled Kaiba came down the basement stairs. So much for knocking. I didn't say anything though because he still looked absolutely frustrated. "Ms. Bannister, did you forget to notify Cherry of her appointment with me this afternoon?" 'Pffft,' I thought, 'you call having tea and dinner while talking about yourselves an appointment? Denial isn't just a river in Egypt, sweetie. Just ask Joey, after all he's been drooling over that new female guard dog my neighbor Bessie just got. He isn't talking about her long black hair and 'awesome' husky suit that looks 'really really great on her' for his health, you know!' But I want to live, and thus do not say this out loud. He walks around and finally see's Cherry standing next to me on the challenger's platform and sent a glare that would kill twenty fangirls straight at Rex. Apparently <em>someone <em>doesn't like the fact that Cherry was too busy watching Rex duel to remember her 'appointment', but it doesn't look like he blames her though. That's a good sign. Kaiba just grabs her hand and directs her out of my house with mutterings of 'not good to be late' and 'stupid urchins'. Cherry smiled as she was basically dragged away, and casted a meaningful glance over her shoulder at me. I nodded and turned my attention back to the boy whose fate now rests in my hands. He doesn't get an explanation as to what's going to happen, but he does get knocked out. I put him in a crate and loaded him into my mini-helicopter I keep in the garage.

* * *

><p>Rex awoke with a pounding headache, and on the hard ground. He looked around but saw nothing but trees. Victoria hadn't said what she was going to do with him once she won, and no one was around for him to ask where he was. Was she planning on just leaving him here do die? He noticed a piece of paper folded in his hand and opened it up. 'Well, Cherry said I should be nice about winning and set you free. So I did. You may now be with your own kind, and we hope you are happy there. –Victoria' He looked up and saw the sign above his head for the first time. It read: "<strong>Jurassic Park<strong>" in bloody red letters. He paled as he felt trembling under his feet and heard a deafening roar in the distance. Rex didn't know if he wanted to laugh or cry, so he did the logical thing: he did both.

* * *

><p>After I got back, Serenity and I had to support Joey as we helped him up to his room. Now he was slightly less delusional, and actually made a comment or two about the duel. I handed him a glass of medicine and turned to hand him a tray of food when he took a sip. He spat it out immediately and started to gag at the bitter taste. It was like dealing with a five year old. Annoyed, I turned back to him with my hands on my hips. "Well, what did you expect? Pumpkin juice?"<p>

a/n: Yes, I couldn't help but put the Harry Potter quote in there. To answer any questions related to this, I DID kinda read his mind (or rather his facial expressions) when he first woke up. My dear friend forbade me from being TOO mean to our little Rex, so I did what any Good Samaritan would do: I set him free! Now, if you'll excuse me I have to back to the doctors to have that vein checked out… again. Reviews are (L)(O)(V)(E)(!)


	6. Yami Yugi's Visit

The Trouble with Yami

a/n: Well, hello again you lovely folks! Once again, the time has come to terrorize our favorite duelists to your heart's content. Today we will play with Yami Yugi… poor him. If you've read this far, I hope you have at least had a good laugh! This was requested by an anonymous user by the name of Ruby Red Roars; after all this time, I've finally gotten around to writing this chapter for ya! Now be good readers and enjoy while I go get a pepsi…

* * *

><p>I sigh as <em>another<em> boring lawyer paced in front of my desk; waiting to see Kaiba no doubt. Normally I'd just ignore these types, but the last three that were here have had a nasty habit of pacing not even a full FOOT away from my desk! I swore to whoever was listening that if this idiot didn't stop in the next five seconds, I was gonna toss him out of my delightful fifteenth story window. Kaiba got to him first, though. He was opening a new branch of factories in Section 96, and from the diagrams that I saw on his desk they were begin the construction of prototypes for something called a 'duel runner'. Not that it was any of my business, I'm just his secretary. But as much as Kaiba hated to work with these men, _I_ was the one who had to deal with them while they're still confident and haughty. They usually get themselves so nervous by the time their appointment actually commences that they go from lions to mice in a matter of seconds. Me? I get to watch the transition… as they pace nervously in front of my desk. 'Only a month, they're only here for one more month.' I tell myself. But it does little for my temper as I watch these strangers invade my territory; it's just one of those pet peeves, you know? But by now I've had _enough_ for today!

I heard the elevator sound with a small '_ding!_'signaling the new arrival before he arrived at Kaiba Corps. top floor (i.e. HELL). I hid the sleeping grenade under my desk and kept my eyes trained on the doors. I swear, if this is ONE MORE LAWYER… but no! A pair of sleek black boots stepped out of the elevator. It was a moment before I could make out the yellow/purple/black spiky hair, the duel-deck carrying caddy on his belt, and the trademark upside-down pyramid on a chain. Yugi! On closer inspection, I noticed the more intense look on his face and the abnormal height of his body. 'Nope, it's Yami Yugi. I wonder why he's here, though.' Yami looked around for a bit before coming further into the waiting area, and I took the opportunity to put down the sleeping grenade on the file cabinet near my desk. This was interesting, better than any entertainment I've had all day. He finally spotted me and came over. Yami looked embarrassed for a moment and began scratching the back of his head. "Hello, I believe we haven't quite met formally yet, miss…?" "Victoria," I supplied. Why not? It's what all these people seem to call me (except Kaiba; but hey, would you call _your_ employees by their first names?). We shook hands and he went and sat on one of the chairs in front of my desk instead of pacing in front of it; a good thing too, I'd _hate_ to have to hurt him so early in this new... friendship? I guess. "So what brings you to our little piece of hell- PARADISE! I meant to say paradise!"

He chuckled a little. "I'm here to ask Kaiba if he's seen Rex anywhere. Apparently he went to challenge him and never came home; Weevil's been getting hysteric looking for him. Though I can't imagine anything truly harmful happening to him." I smiled to myself at the memory and wondered how little Rexie liked his new habitat~ Suddenly the door on the other side of the room was flung open and Mathew and John came marching through and straight into Kaiba's office. Cursing was heard, and then they came back out dragging Mr. Pace-A-Lot away. As they passed I asked, "Another candidate for the Dungeon?" John nodded, "Yep, we seem to be short of Celtic Guardians lately. Too bad he had to piss the boss off, I hear _that_ suit gets itchy fast." After they took the _special_ elevator down, I looked back at Yami. He was staring after the two guards with a wide eyed look on his face. "…Do I even _want_ to know?" Putting it as casually as I could, I said, "Me thinks ze King of Games best not ponder ze actions of ze Prince." He just nodded. Apparently, he was seriously rethinking his previous statement. Not that I blamed him. But then, things _have_ been getting pretty hectic lately haven't they?

Kaiba came out of his office and made a beeline for the bathroom to calm down after the apparent mishap with the lawyer. I made to glance at the clock and did a double take. "Um… Kaiba?" He turned back, "Sir, you're late for your appointment with Cherry." His eyes got wide, which was comical, and he bolted for the elevator while completely overlooking the fact that Yami was sitting there in his office. Before he had a chance to ask his question, or stand for that matter, Kaiba was already two floors down. He sighed as he turned back to me. "And you have to deal with this all day?" I couldn't think of anything to say, so I just nodded. "Poor you." 'You don't know the half of it.' I thought to myself.

* * *

><p>While this exchange was going on, the other lawyer that had been in Kaiba's office came stalking out. Neither Yami nor I saw him, but he looked around and saw what looked to him like a toy grenade and in his ignorance decided to pull the pin…<p>

* * *

><p>When I heard the distinct <em>click<em> of the grenade, I lunged for my gas mask without a second thought. It covered my mouth just in time for the gas to erupt from the small projectile. Within seconds, both the stupid lawyer and the King of Games were out cold on the floor. With a sigh, I went over to my window to air out the place. Tendrils of the violet gas swirled and dwindled into wisps prettily as it escaped the building and into the sky above. I just hoped Superman and Santa didn't have any business here today, otherwise someone was gonna get a nasty gift from above. Luckily people had already concluded that loitering around the outside of Kaiba Corp. was a _terrible _idea. But though the gas was some powerful stuff, it wouldn't kill anyone. Just to be certain, I left the window and began dragging the lawyer over to the elevator to get them to the infirmary, missing the sight of two seagulls falling past my window.

I soon gave up, not realizing that stupidity weighed _quite_ so much. I looked around and saw the _special_ elevator not but ten feet away, compared to the normal elevator all the way on the other side of the room this elevator sounded pretty good. But, unfortunately for this infuriating fellow and poor Yami, this gave me an idea. A familiar itch came over the top of my head as my favorite horns appeared, my grin following suit.

_This is bad!_

_This is WRONG!_

_I couldn't!_

_I shouldn't!_

_Absolutely __**NOT**__!_

But I **will**.

I hardly even noticed that I was dragging the man toward the elevator until I went to return for Yami. Oh, this was going to be _delicious_! The smirk never left my face.

* * *

><p>Yami and the lawyer both began to stir at the same time. The first thing they saw was each other… with their hands tied behind them along with their feet and the rest of their bodies chained to stone tables. "WHAT THE HELL!" Shouted the lawyer, nearly making poor Yami lose his hearing for a while. His voice echoed off the walls and returned to them in a series of subdued repetitions. The rest of the room was a dark as pitch, what little light they had was seemingly provided by a fire set in between the two tables and their occupants. They could make out nothing else, but decided that they really didn't want to be there.<p>

"Hello? Is there anyone there?" Called Yami, while the lawyer just struggled in vain to free himself. "Show yourselves! Or are you such cowards that you refuse to face us!" There was a loud blast of wind that caused the light from the fire to falter for a moment. When it was restored, there was a figure cloaked in a dark purple robe standing before their tables. A hood hung low over it's face, revealing nothing below the mouth that was set into a slight frown. The lawyer stopped struggling and began shouting at the figure. "Who are you? Let me go! I'll have the _law_ on you for this! You can have that boy over there, but leave me out of it! Take the boy and leave me!" The figure said nothing, but brandished a nasty looking serrated knife with razor sharp teeth splayed about the side, ranging from short to long in a growing pattern. The lawyer flinched away from it, but the figure went over to where Yami was chained. He did not scream as the blade was brought down… and cut through the chains holding him to the table.

Despite the fact that he was no longer being held to the table, Yami still couldn't escape due to his bound hands and feet. "The first sacrifice," Said the figure as it grabbed his hands from behind him and began to drag him away into the darkness. Yami struggled, of course, as he was dragged away. The figure was just a little shorter than him, but proved strong for it's size as it retained it's hold of his hands. Once they were far enough away that the other man couldn't hear them, the figure whispered in a female voice, "Shhh… just play along." Yami thought he'd heard this voice before, and thus stopped his struggling. 'She' stopped walking and bent to cut off the ropes holding his sore feet and hands so that he could walk comfortably on his own. As a thought occurred to him, he decided to add some affect to things. He started to scream bloody murder and cut himself off short. The figure started to shake with her attempt not to laugh.

She managed until they finally reached a door and went inside. The minute the door closed she erupted into bellows of laughter. "Tha… that… that was BRILLIANT! Hahahaha!" She fell to the ground and started rolling around holding her side. This caused her hood to fall off, revealing the secretary he had spoken with while waiting for Kaiba. 'What the…' Yami looked around him and saw what looked to be a cross between a security room and a relaxation lounge. It even had a food court in one end. The few other people there either paid no attention to the hysterical laughter or looked with interest to see what was so funny. There were monitors set up at one end of the large arena that some people were sitting around and laughing. But regardless of the large amount of space there was and the various forms of entertainment, the number of people around was small. If he had to guess, he'd say there were no more than twenty people around.

He waited for her to regain her breath before she got up and led him over to the food stand. There was a short, curly haired, blond girl with glasses standing behind the counter with a bright smile on her face. "Hello, welcome to 'The Dungeon' and thank you for choosing Gruel and Slop for all your refreshment needs! My name is Carly, and I will be your server today. Fuck with me and I'll kill you. May I take your order?" Victoria leaned over and whispered to the suddenly scared Yami, "Kaiba's Human Resources committee wants everyone to say their name and something about themselves to connect with the customer. And there's no need to _look_ so scared, she can _smell_ fear," To Carly she said, "Thanks Carly, we'll take two Pepsi's." As she got them, Carly gave Victoria a cynical look. "So, got a new victim? Shouldn't you be, ahem, _attending_ them?" Victoria got a wistful look in her eyes as she took the offered pepsi, "Yeah, but I'm letting him stew for a while. No sense in ruining the fun so early in the game, is there?" Both girls laughed. Yami just took some aspirin out of his pocket.

Victoria soon said farewell to her friend and led Yami over to one of the unoccupied tables, thankfully _not_ made of stone. "So… what was that about?" He asked tentatively. Victoria took out the knife again and began twirling it around in her hand. "How would you like to have some fun?" At the look on his face she laughed, "Not _that_ kind of fun! But how would you like to see a rat squirm? No one will be hurt, I assure you, but wouldn't you like to see a worm dance?" Yami thought it over for a moment. He lifted his eyes warily, "What would I have to do?" She smiled sweetly and pushed a bundle toward him. "Let's get started then, shall we?"

* * *

><p>The more time went on, the more the silence seemed to press in from all sides. Not even the light of the fire brought him any comfort anymore. He'd seen that freaky kid be dragged away and heard a horrible scream just after. This was awful! What if that lunatic came back for <em>him<em>? The kid was probably dead by now, but it wasn't going to happen to HIM! Not if he had any say in it! Hopefully, after dealing with the kid they would forget all about him. The world wouldn't miss some snot nosed kid, but he was a contributing member of society! Kid probably had it coming anyway. He renewed his attempts at escape; but no matter how much he struggled, he couldn't get free. So he sat back to catch his breath.

Just then, another large gale swept through causing the flame's light to once again falter. This time when they settled, two figures stood at the base of his table. One was the original purple-clad; but the new one was slightly taller than the other, swathed in a blood red robe that was similar to the first. Again, the only thing that could be seen under the hood of the robe was the mouth… but this one was smirking while the purple robed one still held the same expression as last time.

They moved so that each stood at one end of the table. The purple figure once again brought out the knife and brought it down on the chains binding him to the stone. Before he could run, he was grabbed roughly from behind by the figure in red. "The second sacrifice," Called Purple, which he now recognized as a female. He had no problems recognizing the other as a male though, as he was being jostled too much for any one woman to accomplish. They forced him to march straight into the darkness, but not before he turned and saw the fire be blown out by a final gust of wind.

They took him in a different direction than they did the boy, but that meant very little to him unless it was the direction of the exit. Soon they reached a door, and he was forced through. There, chained to the walls and paired in cells, were men and woman of all sizes. As they walked through, the people noticed and desperately lunged for them. "HELP! Help us! Please, help us, help us, HELP USSSS!" They all screamed the same thing with wild looks in their eyes. He tried to walk down the middle, out of their reach. But that scared the shit out of him. 'What the hell was going to happen to ME?'

They walked for what felt to him like hours, though it must have been mere minutes until he was finally shoved down to the ground in a new lit area.

* * *

><p>I tried hard not to smirk as we marched him away. After hearing what I'd had to say, and remembering what this bastard said right before I'd taken him away, Yami decided he wanted to be the one to 'guide' the lawyer to the next setting. We took him through Kaiba's 'Waiting Room', where he kept all of the 'monsters' for his games. I felt no pity for them however; they all had done something to deserve it, they wouldn't get severely hurt, and they would be released between two to seven days (depending on their offence). For those who had no clue what was going on, it was scary as shit. Soon we arrived at our destination. Yami had a very satisfied look on his face when he'd pushed the guy into the light. I walked back onto my pedestal as he looked around frantically. I did so as well and saw what he saw: the ground was made of loose dirt, a shovel, black surroundings on all sides, two giant dog bowls with one full of water and the other one empty, and finally a giant dog house with the door closed up. No doubt the poor man was confused; good.<p>

"AHEM!" His face snapped around to face me, fear now evident in his eyes. I stood a little straighter and said in a regal tone. "Welcome Max, I want to play a game." He looked around, "No, I mean _you_ Max." I knew damn well that it wasn't his name, but was too lazy to look it up. He was back to glaring at me, "For years you have defiled the meaning of civil service, and for that you must be punished. To your left is a shovel, with it you will dig around this area and find twelve boxes, each containing one pound of bacon, that you will empty into the food bowl within thirty minutes. In the doghouse lies your punishment should you fail to win or cooperate; it contains a rabid dog on a leash, the leash will lengthen as time goes on. I suggest you get started. How far will you go to protect your worthless self? RELEASE THE RABID DOG!" Not that anyone really needed to, cause he came out by himself.

The door to the doghouse flew open with a loud _bang _as its occupant burst out only to reach the end of his chain a foot away from the rest of the house. His blond hair was in complete disarray around his head, eyes were wild, and white foam was coming out of his mouth as he tried to lunge at (now known as) Max. Joey was quite the sight if I did say so myself. I could feel Yami do a double take when this happened; I apparently forgot to fill him in on this part. Max didn't understand why there was a boy in there, why he was referred to as a dog, or why he had to dig up bacon; but he did understand that there was _white foam_ coming out of his mouth and he didn't want to be attacked by a lune. So he dug away in random holes for a whole thirty minutes, not finding any bacon. When Joey finally managed to tackle him, he fainted before Joey even touched him. What a wimp.

Joey stood up and wiped the whipped cream from his face with a frown, "What, just like that? Thought this guy would at _least_ last a few minutes!" Yami and I walked over and toed him with our shoes, "Out cold all right." With a sigh, I turned back to Joey, "Thanks for your help, Joey. You've made it that much more fun!" He smirked, "No prob. It's good to get out of the house every now and then. But that collar kinda _hurt_!" I laughed and picked up Max, "Sorry about that, who wants bacon?" Everyone raised their hands to my bemusement. We turned to leave the area and take Max to the infirmary; he'd think he was just dreaming when he woke up, so it was no big deal. As we walked away, a thought occurred to me. "Hey guys… did we forget to actually _bury_ some bacon?"

* * *

><p>AN: YAH! I have fought against writers block and WON! To all you wonderful readers, I thank you for your support! Any more suggestions? R&R or I will have to abandon ship!


	7. The Hazard of Duke

A/N: Hello there again! The time has come again when we choose our favorite characters to entertain us with their confusion and panic! Sorry for the long wait, this chapter was requested a long, _long_ time ago by Leixym. And today we have a special guest; he's dead now, but only for this fanfic. Some of you will know him when you see him, but for those of you who don't I will tell at the end a/n. Fair? Good. This is for you, dude! Today's victim is: (_drum roll_)…

* * *

><p>There it is again. That nagging little thought in the back of my mind. The one thing that had gotten me into so much trouble over the past year. Not that I didn't have fun, but it takes more work than you think to kidnap someone and release multitudes of insanity upon them. But there it is again: the urge.<p>

This is what I was contemplating as I rolled a 'full' trashcan down the hallway of 'Barista Apartments'. I sighed to myself, thinking about how _none_ of the other tenants had heard anything. 'I mean REALLY?!' But, oh well. I sped up just a little. After all, the people in this complex gave me the creeps. They kind of reminded me of the people from Invader Zim, zombies with vacant expressions and thoughts. I passed some of them while exiting the building, but they were just leaning against the wall staring hard at anything that moved. It was kind of like when I first came in, but for some reason, the lobby was _covered_ in cheese. SO… much… cheese… It gave me eerie chills down my spine. When I came back out, all the cheese was _gone_. 'Where did it go? WHERE DID IT ALL _**GO**_?!' I shook my head, trying to get rid of the oncoming panic attack in my chest. My thoughts then turned back to my Mystery Bin that I was rolling along.

_Flashback_

"What the?!" The man opened up the door to his apartment, only to find his way blocked by a large, metal trashcan. One of the old fashioned ones, like you used to see out on the street with the rounded lids. It came up almost all the way up his chest. "Who puts a trashcan in the middle of a doorway?" He muttered. The man went to pick it up, only to have the lid blast off. Hands reached out and grabbed him around the throat, forcibly pulling him in. He was kicking and screaming until his feet disappeared inside the metal tube. It rocked violently from side to side for a few seconds then went still. I hauled myself out of the bin, and gently put the lid back on. With the utmost care, I fastened the lid and threw it on its side. I rolled it down to the elevator, humming a merry tune to myself.

_End of Flashback_

We soon reached the outside of the building, and I wheeled the bin up to the van I had rented JUST for this episode. Looming high above many little cars was the great, MIGHTY, INFAMOUS, _FEARSOME_… Sunshine Twinkies van. A grim look crossed my face as I opened the back and pushed the trashcan inside. With militia-like efficiency, I closed the door up tight, marched to the cab, and peeled out of there like 007 (if you don't know who that is, ask your parents kiddies). To my extreme displeasure, no one followed me. "Damn, I was hoping for a good police chase today. It's always funny seeing the look on Kaiba's face when he has to come bail me out of jail." I chuckled to myself. "His face turns the prettiest shade of purple~" My only regret was that I had to wear a mailman costume instead of a milkman; I just hoped Joey didn't attack me compulsively when I get home, you can't teach an old dog new tricks it can sure keep some bad habits. Speaking of Kaiba, I should probably let him know that Cherry went on a trip to China… nah, the look on his face will be funny, looking for her. I settled down in my seat, trying to get comfortable. After all, there was a long drive ahead of us.

* * *

><p>Duke's head was killing him. 'What the hell happened?' He thought to himself. The pain began to ebb after a few minutes so he attempted to stand. Duke realized that it was a bad idea the minute his head hit something metal and the pain came back twice as bad, courtesy of the new found lump on top of the previous one. He didn't remember where the old dent came from, or where he was. So he reached out his hands, finding a cool surface just a foot away from where he sat. He searched further and found that he was in some sort of metal cylinder… Metal cylinder? His eyes grew wide as realization crashed into him. "THE TRASHCAN!" He shouted, trying to shove the top off of his container. After five minutes with no results, he stopped trying. He sat back down, huffing and panting, trying to calm down enough to figure out what was going on. 'Ok, I'm in a strange place. I don't know where I am. Probably no one's noticed that I'm even gone… Don't think like that, Duke! I'm sure someone… Meg! Yeah, she's my girlfriend; of course she'll notice I'm missing. We had a date tonight, but she's kind of a bitch and we <em>do<em> fight a lot. It would be just like her to do this when she _knows_ I'm claustrophobic. Wait a minute!' Duke suddenly lunged into the darkness, feeling all around the sides of the tube with his hands. He got frantic when he couldn't find what he was looking for. Any calm he had left him as panic set in. "There are no air holes in here! Got to get out, **got to get **_**out**_! _**I'M GONNA DIE IF I DON'T GET OUT**_!" He began shouting. Not the best thing to do if you want to keep your air supply. Of course Duke didn't notice, he was still feeling up the walls in denial.

He fell to the side as the container tipped a little and began moving on it's own. His panic left him temporarily as he tried to keep his balance at this awkward angle. It eventually stopped and the container slammed back into a flat position. He was about to start panicking again when he heard a strange noise at the top of his little cell. The strange sound started at one point on the edge of the top, and slowly circled the rim. As the sound passed he began to see a small sliver of light, blinding after being stuck for so long in the dark. Once the sound had completed it's circuit, fingers reached under the now-severed top and pulled. Light flooded in from the opening, reawakening the throbbing pain in his head and causing him to cringe at the bottom. A shadow fell across him and he sneaked a peak through his lashes. "This doesn't look fresh at all! Are you sure that this was all the store had?" Said a strangely familiar voice, another answered, "Quite sure, but I guess we'll just have to make due. They were out of the usual stuff, but I'm sure that we can use this to make a tasty meal!" A female voice chirped happily. "Well, first let's get it out of the can." Duke heard a small click and a _beep_, and then suddenly felt the metal of his tube lift up and turn over. He landed in a sprawled heap on the floor, wondering what horrible misdeed he had done to let his karma do this to him.

* * *

><p>He stood with a small groan and looked around. The can he had recently inhabited was being held in the air by a giant robot arm that sprouted from the ceiling. On the side it read: <em>Fresh caught Duke!<em> As he glanced closer it read: _Do you have Duke in a can? We do, now let him out! Brought to you by: Cannibals and Don't Turn Around, Duke._ That last part confused him, so he instinctively went to look behind him and felt a hard _thunk_ on the side of his head. As he fell, he vaguely saw a woman and a man holding a giant can opener. Before he passed out, he cursed the creators of Yu Gi Oh, his voice actor that made him squeak like a girl when he hit his head for the third time, and the author of this fanfiction. The last of which he sincerely hoped fell down a really long, LONG flight of stairs. Then darkness fell on him.

* * *

><p>When he woke up again, he had three, THREE large bumps on his head. One on top of the other, like a freaking SNOWMAN! And as he looked down his face turned to (1)dots. He was somehow already standing, with a small podium in front of him. His hands were both handcuffed to the top of it, with just enough room for him to hit the buzzer he saw there. He looked up and saw row upon row of creepy little children, all staring at him. They were so silent that he could hear a ringing in his ears, but all they did was stare at the stage he was on. Duke gasped as he noticed their eyes: some were bloodshot, others were completely black with no pupils, others had pupils that glowed red in the darkened audience stands. Before he could think better of it, he looked to his left and almost passed out again. Standing at a similar podium not three feet from him was a dead man. His electric-blue hair (among other things) was falling off in chunks; his suit was torn in various places and hung off him like a tent. He still had one sunken eye left, though it was as black as its neighbor, an empty socket, his mouth only had a few real teeth left, green slime slowly oozed out of the orifice and drooled down his chin. His skin was a fine shade of ash, but the thing that most stood out was a nametag. In bright yellow letters:<p>

"Hi, my name is Stu.(2)"

Unable to look anymore, he turned to the other direction. To his utter surprise, he saw Tea and Joey (who for some reason, was back in the dog costume) both standing at their own separate podiums, staring ahead. To his relief, the other two weren't handcuffed or held in place by anything else. Maybe they were here to save him? They could get the cuffs off him! He tried calling them, quietly to avoid 'Stu's' attention. "Guys… Hey, Tea, Joey, HEY!" They snapped to look at him when he began talking, but they looked kind of annoyed with him for some reason. Tea turned back to front. When Duke tried to call her attention back he caught Joey's eye, he scowled, shook his head, and shushed him with a finger to his lips. Joey then turned back to the front without as much as a backward glance at Duke. Before Duke could protest, there was a bright flash of light, a cloud of smoke, and then the stage erupted with sound. "HELLLLLLOOOOOO, LOVELY CHILDREN! Are you ready to GOOOOOOO!" A figure appeared, seemingly out of nowhere, as a bright light overtook the stage again. When Duke was no longer seeing spots in his eyes, he saw that a woman with short brown hair in a trench-coat was standing in front of them. The children who had been so quiet up to this point were roaring their applause. 'Just what the HELL have I gotten myself into?!' Duke thought, staring at the woman's back. He could only stand there and stare ahead, just like Tea, Joey, and Stu the Zombie.

* * *

><p>As I leapt onto the stage, I felt a rush of adrenaline. Poor Duke was looking extremely confused at this point, but the three bumps on his head were funny to look at. In front of me were all of the strange little children that someone had found wandering in circles behind the Kaiba Corp. building last year. Since no one knew where they came from or who they belonged to (the kids certainly weren't talking), Kaiba decided to take them all in and give them their own little faction in his building. In the event that Kaiba Corp. is attacked by anyone liiiiiiike, I don't know zombies, the military, or rabid fangirls, the department these little children belonged to (called Dragon's Teeth) would be called into action. As cruel as it may seem to put innocent children in harms way, these were as far as you can get from <em>normal <em>children. These had strange, incredible powers and abilities that could easily kill a man, or a hundred, depends on if some of them had their naps first. And thus any threat to the company would then depart; one way or the other. Sometimes Kaiba would treat the kids to a little show, like today. Apparently, as one of the newer employees, it was my turn to host for them. They were sweet (albeit, a little creepy) kids, I liked them, so what the hell? Why not?

"Alright, for starters we have a special guest here with us today!" I motioned over to the cute blue haired zombie, "The musical genius, keyboardist, and vocalist, 2D!" The kids started chanting his name, while the zombie boy just smiled and waved. Duke jumped upon seeing the dead body next to him suddenly move, which he hadn't done since Duke woke up. Luckily the kids didn't notice just how bad shape the singer was. And they wouldn't, not from a distance at least. I waited for a little while for the cheers to die down, and then announced the rest of today's contestants. "Also today we have Tea, Joey, and Duke from Domino City! And today we are going to play everyone's favorite game; '**What's the Answer?!**'" An even louder applause followed my statement. I turned and walked over to my four contestants. "Most of you know the rules, but I can see some of you don't. So in all fairness," I saw Duke looking hopeful, but only for an instant. "Let's just start the game!" I knew an evil grin was on my face, but the brokenhearted look on Dukes face was too good to miss. Poor boy. At least he's not dead. I looked over to the _actual_ dead boy, and saw 2D openly snickering at Dukes misfortune.

_One Hour Later_

"COOOORRRECT! Good job, Joey. You've just earned 500 points!" It was amusing to say the least. Considering this was a quiz type of game, no one would have really expected Joey to be so far in the lead. The scores so far were: Joey-**878,696**; Tea-**589,654**; 2D- **568,872**; and Duke-**10**. Right now, Duke had his face down from his last penalty. A bright neon yellow tutu decorated his waist, was wearing a clown mask over his chest, and a bulls-eye over his back with several dents were the projectiles hit. The penalties were part of the game, but none were so cruel to cause any sever harm or mental damage. Hell, it would take nothing less than seeing Kaiba smile at kittens to make any sort of impression on any of our battle-scared mentalities. Sure Joey sometimes smiled at the wrong things, and _sure_ Tea has the ability to scare even the biggest thug out of his own bar one week out of every month, but there's nothing abnormal about that is there? Luckily there was only one more round to go, because I didn't think Duke could go on much longer. He looked like an escapee from Steven Kings 'IT'. Meanwhile Tea, Joey, and 2D looked about ready to go.

"Alrighty, next question! This is the last one, worth 5000 points, whoever doesn't get it will have to face the LAST PENALTY!" I heard the crowd behind me cheer gratifyingly loud. "And… the question _IS_… "I looked down in confusion, shrugged, then said it anyway, "Rex is walking along on his way home when lightning strikes. Assuming you want him to live, what's the safest part of his body to be hit by lightning?" I smiled brightly, "Write your answer down on the sheet of paper in front of you, then hit your buzzer. When you've all answered, I will take our FINAL ACTION!" I shouted, turning to the audience with a vast wave of my hand. Soon they were all ready. I walked up to Joey and read his answer, shook my head and took his hand to guide him away from the podium and toward the front of the stage. I left him to read Tea's answer, then did the same to her. I read Duke's, smiled at him, but left him at his podium, only pausing to unlock his shackles. I read 2D's, then guided him to where Tea and Joey were waiting. As I gazed across the waiting audience, I shut my eyes and pressed the button in my hand. I heard a slightly girly shriek behind me as the giant mallet swung down at the podiums behind me and I heard someone hit the foam and rubber mat on the wall (for the contestants own safety of course). I then gave a wide smile and looked to my audience, holding up the three others remaining hands, "Yes, the correct answer is the A-" Oops, I stoped, shook my head then started again, "the BUTT!" As the curtain came down over us all, I went to collect the now thoroughly unconscious Duke and helped him onto one of four gurneys waiting nearby.

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><p>Duke's head was killing him. Wait where had he heard that before? Huh, de ja vu, oh well. His eyes shot open, as he remembered all about what happened. But when he sat up, he was only in his bed. He sat there for a moment, trying to sort things out in his head, which was still in unbelievable amounts of pain. Eventually, Duke just chalked it up to a long night and a horrible nightmare brought on by sleep deprivation. So he got up and went to go brush his teeth, grabbing a glass of water before entering the bathroom. As he glanced in the mirror, he felt the glass slip out of his hand and shatter on the floor, not that he noticed. There, on his head for all the world to see, was four, <em><strong>FOUR<strong>_ lumps starting the size of a tennis ball and shrinking, all one on top of the other. He looked like a freaking DUKE-A-HORN! He shuddered. He would never look at a trashcan the same way again. For the rest of the day, Duke couldn't understand why people kept throwing things at his back. Apparently I forgot to take off the bulls-eye before putting him back in his apartment. Ooops.

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><p>(1) dot face= ;.; or *.*<p>

(2) Stuart (Stu) Pot, or 2D (Two Dents) of the real life _virtual_ band 'Gorillaz'. No, he isn't dead _or_ a zombie, but I wanted a zombie in there and it started to sound like him, so in he went. Look 'em up if you want. I love them, but don't own them either.

A/N: Well, I sincerely hope you guys liked this. My hands hurt from typing too long, but this person had requested this chapter a LONG time ago, and I had every intention of writing this, even if it took so long. I promised you, my readers, that as long as you request a chapter, I would write it. It took a while, and it hurts to type (even while I write this), but I'm proud to say I've finally done it! To you who requested, I hope it's everything you hoped for. Goodnight.


	8. Hunting for Halloween

A/N: Well, hello there readers! Today we have a special treat, and at what better time for giving treats then Halloween? Yes! It is that time again! And this chapter has been requested by my good friend Cece (Carly)! She is also today's special guest star, so be sure to enjoy it even more for her. Let the insanity begin!

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><p>It had been a long, <em>long<em> day. But finally it was quitting time for Kaiba's poor, overworked personal secretary: me. Me and my friend Carly were standing in the elevator for Kaiba Corps. Duel Dungeons, waiting for the lift to reach the top floor where my and Kaiba's offices were. Carly, as I have mentioned, worked down in the Dungeons in the workers food court. Today we both happened to get off at the same time, which was good because we'd both been planning this day for a couple of weeks now. And why not? It _was_ Halloween after all. Shivers of delight went up my spine at that thought; my teeth grew long and sharp and my eyes began to dilate. It didn't last long though, my Yami-self wouldn't be at full strength until nightfall. We still had some things to do before we began fulfilling our plans for the night. There really wasn't that much left to do, but it's good to be prepared. I'd woken up early this morning to begin decorating my house, woke up Joey and Serenity to help with the decorations while I got ready for work, got there to find that Kaiba had scheduled a morning full of meetings, a couple of duels, and product reports.

I'd went to have lunch with Carly to discuss our plans for after work, and then went back to the arms race upstairs. I'd left Kaiba upstairs with his computer, he was content to spend his time up there trying to track down where Cherry had gone (although I already knew). So after I clocked out, I had gone to get Carly, and now we were on our way up to the breakroom on our floor so that I could get my things and we could leave. We were still reminiscing about Halloweens past when we walked in. To our surprise, Mokuba Kaiba, Kaiba Corps. CIO(1) was there standing with a mug of hot chocolate with marshmallows and a sandwhich. Not that we minded, the kid was easy to get along with. I was laughing at something Carly said about Trick or Treating with her family when I turned to Mokuba. "Hey, how about you? What did Kaiba do when he took _you_ trick or treating?" He started a little, not thinking we were going to involve him in our conversation. A lot of adults did that; usually because of his age or status. He thought for a moment and a small look of sadness crossed his face for a split second before it was gone; but I saw it. I looked to Carly, wondering what it meant.

"I've never really _been_ trick or treating before. I think the last time we even celebrated it was when I was about two years old. Me and my brother have never really had _normal _lives; it's always either been too dangerous or too busy. Seto is usually has a lot of things going on around this time and I never wanted to bother him." We both looked at him in horror. Never been trick or treating? Blasphemy! THAT RAT BASTARD! He won't even take his kid brother trick or treating!? Mokuba saw the anger on my face held up his hands in a peace gesture.

"No! No! It's not his fault, I've never _asked_ to go. Besides, it's okay as long as I can help Seto. He does so much for me, and I am needed here. It's fine, _really_!"

I gave Carly a skeptical look that she returned. I felt really bad for Mokuba, never been trick or treating, the IDEA! And the part about never asking was bull, Kaiba should have known without having to be asked. But he never even thought about it. Maybe it was Yami-Victoria nagging at the back of my mind, but I'd suddenly got a really great idea. I turned to Carly again and dragged her into a corner. Mokuba tried to hear what we were whispering about, but could only make out Carly's head nodding energetically. He backed away and tried to run when we broke apart, frightened of the looks on our faces.

But we were faster.

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><p>Carly and I stepped out of the elevator on the ground floor and started toward the exit. I called out a greeting to Alice, our receptionist for the main lobby. She went to respond, then gasped at what Carly was dragging behind her. "What the heck is that?!" She cried, pointing at the large sack in her hand. "Her purse," I called back, dragging both girl and bag behind me.<p>

Alice just shook her head and went back to her computer; she'd worked at Kaiba Corp. long enough that seeing something like that was normal for her. But she did wonder what was in the suspicious looking bag _this_ time.

Carly looked at me while we walked to her car, "You know something? I think your getting _way_ too good at this, Victoria." I smiled contentedly to myself, "I know. It's a bad habit really."

"Can I come out _now_?!" The 'purse' complained.

"Not yet~" We sang.

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><p><em><strong>One Hour Later<strong>_

Kaiba was still typing away at his computer, when the security man came in. He still couldn't pinpoint Cherry's location, and his secretary of all people wouldn't help him! Not that he expected her to really; after all, he has been called a slave-driver among other things. But it was her job, damnit! Kaiba was mulling the problem over when the man came in.

He looked up from his computer, "Yes, what is it?" He paused seeing that it was Orthus, the guard he had set to guard his little brother. He really needed one, and Seto couldn't always be there to guard him himself. Regardless of how much he _really_ wanted to be. "Why aren't you guarding Mokuba? What is the meaning of this?" Kaiba was seething.

"He's gone."

"WHAT?!"

"He left to go to the breakroom and never came back."

Kaiba held his head in his hands and tried to hold back the approaching headache. Gone? Again? "Why weren't you with him?" He asked softly, but with venom.

"He got tired of me always following him around and gave me one of the most self-esteem-damaging speeches of my life. Followed by giving me a glare that could even rival one of _yours_, Mr. Kaiba, sir."

Kaiba was shocked… and proud beyond words.

"After that, he then gave me an order to stay guard in his office until he got back, because 'who the heck is going to kidnap me in the BREAKROOM?! Right next to big brothers OFFICE?!'"

Sigh, "And?"

"I guarded his office. For an hour. When I went to check on him, he wasn't there."

Kaiba had heard more than enough, he stood and sent Orthus home. He knew that sooner or later someone was going to try this again. 'I swear that boy gets kidnapped far too often for someone with just a minor role.' Thought Seto Kaiba as he got the tracker out of his desk. After one of his more dangerous kidnappings, Kaiba had had a tracker chip surgically implanted in his little brother's neck. As drastic as it may seem, Mokuba (before Victoria came along) was always the only one in danger of being kidnapped, and the next time could always be the time he, Seto Kaiba, arrived too late. It wasn't like Mokuba had no clue or say in the matter, Seto had asked him for his permission after having a long talk. Mokuba had agreed, so they went ahead and had the procedure done. He put in the password on the device, and the little icon and arrows began to flash, indicating his brothers position. "Let's see who it is _this_ time."

Time to hunt down the poor bastard that was stupid enough to steal his precious little brother.

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><p>Said 'bastards' were currently walking down the sidewalk in one of the numerous large neighborhoods in the area with Mokuba in between us. The first place we had gone after leaving work was to the nearest costume store. After trying nearly every costume in the place, we found the perfect costume. Right now Mokuba was disguised as a winged Kuribo, Carly was a fox, and I was a wolf. So far we had given Mokuba a large burlap sack and walked him door to door; sadly we had to explain to him the sacred ritual of Trick or Treat. He was a little reluctant at first, but soon was just as excited as we were. It was good to see the little CIO acting like the kid he was.<p>

We were starting on the fourth neighborhood when my 'work' phone began to vibrate. It was set so that it would update me on any new activity Kaiba did so that I could act accordingly as his secretary. When I looked, it told me that he had activated that tracker in Mokuba's neck and was engaging in hot pursuit. Remembering how this was the kid's first Halloween outing, I got pissed. NO WAY was Seto Kaiba going to ruin this for him, especially since it was basically his fault that the kid was doing this for the first time only now! Once he realized his big brother was looking for him, Mokuba would drop whatever he was doing to go back. But Carly and I were determined that Mokuba was going to have the Halloween of his life, so now it was time to have some fun. While Mokuba was waiting at another door, I pulled Carly aside and began telling her my devious plot. Hair grown out and shaggy, teeth now long and pointy, eyes dialated, and the mind of a hunter firmly in place: Yami-Victoria was out to play. The wolf costume felt more like a second skin, and fit my personality perfectly for the moment. Carly had a little bit of an evil side herself, so when I told her my plan she was all for it. And she was a fox with a few tricks up her sleeve.

Mokuba came back with a big smile on his face. "Did you see that?! That nice lady liked my costume so much that I got _two_ candy bars!"

I laughed with him and ruffled his hair, "That's great, kiddo! We're going to move on to the next area. But we're going to cut through this alley, okay?" This particular alley was in between a house and a large building, with the large 'establlishment' facing the main street where Kaiba was sure to arrive. We would be perfectly hidden behind the building, so I pushed him into the dark area and had him sit down "so that I can catch my breath". At least, that's what I told him. Carly and I had to stifle our laughter when I went to check my phone to see where Kaiba was. He was almost there…

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><p>Kaiba followed the arrows and didn't bother to look up and see where he was until the device said that Mokuba was close by. He didn't even look before he barged into the building where his little brother was supposed to be. Only the ear-shattering shrieks got his attention, but by then it was too late. He barely got a glimps of the banner that said "Seto Kaiba Fan Club Halloween Party! XD" before he was buried in fangirls. They ripped and tore at his clothing before he finally managed to fight free and escape. He ran out of the building and into a dark alley to hide, he checked his phone only to see that Mokuba was on the move again.<p>

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><p>Me and Carly were laughing uncontrollably as we ran out of the alleyway. Mokuba was with us, but looked confused as to why we were laughing. All he had heard was screams and shrieks coming from the building we were behind and then being dragged after the running girls. After thinking about it for a moment, he just shrugged it off. 'Maybe it's just one of those Halloween things?' He thought. But his two hosts' minds were on the next stop. They stopped at a couple of houses before doing the same trick again and again. They always made sure to let Mokuba do his trick or treating before moving on to the next trap.<p>

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><p>Over the next few hours, Kaiba had been tricked into barging into a strip club, a hunting supplies store, the Pokèmon Museum (you can imagine how ecstatic Seto Kaiba was to be <em>there<em>), the Barbie Fairy Princess Restaurant, and finally the Domino City Prison for the Criminally Insane. Finally, we reached our last stop: the scariest place to be on Halloween. My house.

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><p>Carly was practically <em>dying<em>, rolling around on the floor snickering like crazy with her tail fluffed out. I was howling in amusement with tears of mirth rolling down my cheeks. Mokuba, who still had no clue what was going on, just sat on the ground starring happily into his almost-full sack of candy. Joey and Serenity paused in their preparations and stared at us in utter bewilderment. Once I'd pulled myself together somewhat, I pulled them into the kitchen and told them what had happened. They began to laugh too, but it had to be cut short when we realized what time it was.

"We have to finish up before the guests get here." I told them.

Carly came in and offered to help, and so did Mokuba. I thought about it, and a smile erupted on my face. "All right, I've got a _special_ job for you Mokuba…"

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><p>Kaiba was <em>pissed<em>! He had been ALL OVER Domino City looking for his lost little brother, and had no Mokuba to show for it. It seemed like the kidnappers were taking him in circles! What did they intend to _do _with his little brother anyway? There had been no ransom calls, no threats, and no challenges to duels. Just stops to the most random places he could imagine. _POKÈMON_?! REALLY?! And everywhere he went, there was no sign of his brother or his kidnappers. And he'd looked like an idiot when he'd beaten up the bouncer at that strip joint and run around inside screaming out his brother's name. What can he say? He panicked. Wouldn't _you_ if your little sibling was in a place like that?

His eyes narrowed dangerously as his tracker led him to the home of his secretary. 'Should have known," He thought. Stopping at the door, he checked once more to be sure his brother was still there. Strangely enough, it said that Mokuba was just on the other side of this door.

But he'd been growing steadily angrier and more wary the longer he went. So he knocked instead of just barging in. Seto Kaiba was a sight to behold to anyone: his clothes were torn in several places due to the fangirls, wearing a pink bedazzled bra that someone had slipped onto his shirt at the strip club, holding a cross-bow from the hunting store, wearing the bottom half of a Squirtal costume from the Pokèmon Museum, a pointy-princess hat from the restaurant, and strapped to his head was one of those muzzles with bars that prevent you from biting people from the prison. And he looked like Murder on Two Legs. The door opened and Kaiba looked up from his device to see who it was.

His eyes nearly popped out of his head when he saw the really tall figure in butler clothes. 'I know _I_ don't pay her enough for that!' was his thought. Before he saw that the butler had no head, that is. He could only stare in horror as it lifted it's hand to the lid of a silver platter it was carrying, and removed the lid.

Mokuba's head looked up at him with shocked eyes, and he nearly fainted. "Hi, big brother! I love your costume, what are you doing here?" Kaiba just stared at him. The hand that pulled off the cover pulled him into the house and shut the door behind him. The inside was filled with music and elaborately decorated. He turned around and saw that the back of the 'butler' was hollow with steps that let Mokuba use it. He pulled his head out of a curtain that hid the rest of his body and walked down the steps to his brother's side. Seto looked with amusement at Mokuba's Kuribo costume.

"They let me be the greeter!" He looked excited.

"Greeter to what?"

"Victoria's Halloween party! Come on, everyone else is already there!" He dragged Seto inside before he could protest. Along the way, he began telling him about everything he had done since leaving work. Even though Kaiba was furious that Mokuba had left without telling him and caused him to worry so much, he didn't have the heart to stay mad in the face of his little brother's happiness. He didn't know that Mokuba had wanted to go trick or treating, otherwise he would have left work early to take him himself. But he should have known, Mokuba couldn't be selfish to save his own skin. Not unless it was for Seto. When they got to the room with all the guests in it, he was surprised at the large amount of people there: Joey, Serenity, Bakura, Yami-Yugi, Tristan, Tea, Duke, Mathiew (a guard who also works at Kaiba Corp.) and the hostess Victoria. The young hostess looked practically rabid as she danced around her guests with an almost predatory look on her face. A look that had one Duke looking very uncomfortable, but Seto couldn't think of where Duke could have possibly met his secretary before. But from the way he was reacting around her, he probably had.

Mokuba sat him down and began making two plates of food, one for each of them. They sat in comfortable silence, watching with mild amusement as the other guests mingled and played various games. Eventually Mokuba noticed the time and looked to his brother with sad eyes. "You probably have to go soon, don't you? For your work?"

Kaiba thought about it, and ruffled his hair. "No, I think I'll take the rest of the night off. And in a little while, we'll go trick or treating. How about it?"

Mokuba gave him a smile to melt glaciers and gave Seto a big hug. The hug was cut short when the doorbell rang, or rather screamed. Victoria had also changed the doorbell for Halloween. She paused in her insanity to go and answer the door. Before long she was leading in a short blond in an Edward Elric costume that Kaiba recognized immediately.

"Hello, everyone! I'm back from China!" Cherry called out.

Kaiba jumped up and immediately dragged her over to where his brother was. Everyone had a great time at the party.

Although eventually every good thing must come to an end. Kaiba, Mokuba and Cherry went trick or treating after a few hours. The other guests went home. And I, as Yami-Victoria, went out to hunt alongside Carly before the sun arose to end my time on the outside and would leave me to seep back into the darker corners of my mind to sleep. And as I exclaim with all of my might: Happy Halloween to all, and to all a good fright!

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><p>(1) Kind of like a second in command to the CEO, I think. Or second down on the business food chain. IDK. ^^'<p>

A/N: Hello everyone! Happy Halloween to you all! I hope you all liked this chapter, because I know I did! Like I said, this chapter was requested by the real-life Carly and is the doing of her. Until next time, thank you all for reading! Read and Review, you know what to do. Bye!


	9. Valon Failin'

**Valon Failin'**

a/n: Hey guys! Sorry, about the wait but life has been BAD lately. Today's victim is Valon of the Orichalchos group. Who I've never heard of. Ever. But Candyfiend has and had requested this chapter a long, LONG time ago. But I've finally done it! Yay me!

**IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!: **After this chapter, Kaiba Vs. The Secretary is OFFICIALLY, COMPLETELY, AND TOTALLY CLOSED TO REQUESTS! There will be one last chapter, but it will be an epilogue. Enjoy!

Just as a reminder: I do not own!

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><p>Valon couldn't believe the bad luck he was having. One minute he'd been walking the streets of Terezuma, the next he was somewhere in Domino City. Thing was, he didn't know how he'd gotten there or <em>where<em> in Domino City he was. The guy was completely and totally lost. So far, a dog has used the bathroom on his shoes, been slapped in the face with a fish by a very rude lady at the marketplace, and been chased six blocks by a guy who mistook him for his wife's lover. All in all, he just wanted to go home. He kept walking, hoping to find some landmark and found none. After leaving the gang behind a while back and travelling on his own for a while, and after all that trouble they'd gotten into, this was the last thing he needed. Valon huffed and began crossing the street. There was a large sign facing him on the other side of the road that said "Do Not Cross, Or Else," but he didn't care. What's the worst that can happen? Silly him…

He was about halfway across the street when he heard a loud screeching noise. He turned and saw a white van with the Kaiba Corp. logo on the hood come barreling down the road and straight for him at an alarming rate. Valon saw it as if in slow motion. There was a girl with short brown hair and glasses wearing a lab coat sitting behind the wheel. It went flying up from behind the hill, hovered in the air for a short time, thunked back down onto the pavement, swerved a little, and prowled up to him almost like a lion. On reflection, he realized that that was total bull. It didn't prowl like a lion, it charged like a bull. The difference? A lion won't slam into you at full force. That was all he had time to see before machine met devoted-bad-guy/minor-character and his world when black.

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><p>It was an interesting sensation. Kind of like having a couple of sumo wrestlers dance the tango passionately on your body. Yeah, it felt a lot like that. Especially if you add in having a duel disk shoved into the front of your skull. Valon mused on just what he had done in his life to deserve this particular kind of agony. Question was: should he list that in alphabetical order or in order of occurrence? After a while, he realized that he hadn't opened his eyes yet, and didn't know where he was. His first try resulted in a brand new agony and sent him back into that comfortable blackness that spared him a little of the pain.<p>

The next try was a little more successful, but instead of lying on the pavement in a puddle of his own blood like he thought he'd been, Valon found himself on short, prickly carpet surrounded by shelves full of books. Slowly, he sat up and began peeling himself off the floor. It was dark where he was, with just enough light to see. Funny enough, despite the great, great, GREAT amount of pain he was in, he had no broken bones or bloody wounds. None that he could see anyway. But wasn't he just hit by a van, just then?!

As Valon began to slowly make his way along the bookshelves, he happened to look at one of the books. "WHAT THE HELL?!" He looked to another book and was surprised to find the same thing written on it. He began frantically searching along the shelves but could not find a single difference between them except for the cover size, color, and texture. Sure enough every book he looked at read something like this: "Blahblah Blah La Blah by Elderwolves and Victoria B. (must be 18 years or older to read)." 'Who the hell is that?!' He thought to himself. And EVERY book on the shelves, and every shelf that he looked at, said this exactly. The different pictures were nice though, but he was too scared to open one up and see what it said.

After a while, Valon got tired of looking through the shelves and caught sight of something glittering on the wall. He moved towards it and found a mirror. This wasn't very interesting but what he saw when he looked inside was what really got his attention. His scream could be heard for several rows over in all directions and echoed many times before finally dying off. His hand was shaking as he brought it around his back and felt the monstrosities he had seen. 'Real… they're… real…' He thought to himself as he rubbed them gently. In the mirror, he watched as his hands moved from tip to root on the two fluffy white wings that were stuck to his back. He tried to pull one off and had to stop as pain erupted from where skin met feathers. On closer look, they appeared to be surgically attached. Valon felt the blood rush out of his head as he realized that he was going to be stuck with them… and for a long time. How was he supposed to do anything with FLUFFY WHITE WINGS?! In his shocked state, he began to imagine his life as a bad guy, ruining people's lives and oozing intimidation… with wings. Nope, wouldn't work. Unaccounted for puns about Red Bull started to come unbidden to his shocked mind. Taking one last glance at the mirror, he also noticed he seemed to be in a furry costume with green sleeves that ended in gloves and footies. He fell back into a shelf and slid down until he was sitting. His soul began to escape out of his mouth.

A soft noise shocked him out of his stupor so bad his soul got sucked back into his body. Valon quickly hid behind a shelf and slowly approached to where the noise was coming from. It gradually got lighter the closer he got, and the sound got louder until it was a dull murmur. He could almost make out what was being said, but wasn't paying enough attention to his surroundings. While trying to hear, he walked right out into the open to where the speakers had been sitting. Everyone turned to look at the newcomer, who was looking back with an expressive mix of shock and embarrassment. Then he got a real good look at them. And screamed.

There was a group of people in costumes (Duel Monsters, on closer inspection) sitting in a circle in the center of a large open area. And sitting in the center of that circle was the chick who was driving the van that hit him! No. Fricken. Way. The psycho was even wearing the same outfit she ran him over in! She smiled brightly and jumped up to greet him.

"Hi! Welcome to the 'Broken-Record Association's Cosplayers Unleashed Protection Society', or BRA CUPS for short! Where our motto is: 'We lift you up when life leaves you hanging'! Glad to see you made it. We were just starting, please have a seat."

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><p>I grabbed his hand and dragged him over to an empty seat between a Dark Magician Girl and a Dream Clown. "Alright! Now last time we had some problems with dueling during sessions," I glared at Blue Eyes White Dragon and Red Eyes Black Dragon, who wouldn't look me in the eye but had no trouble glaring at each other while my back was turned. How did I know? I smelled the smoke in the air. The excessive growling might have helped a bit, too. "But this time we're going to keep thing <em>nice and friendly<em> AREN'T WE?!" The two snapped to attention and began sweating profusely. I liked the look of fear on their faces. It made me happy. "Anyway, just like we do every time, we're going to begin today with catching up on the events of the week since the last session. Who wants go first? Dark Magician Girl raised her hand and began talking about her week. "Hello, I am Dark Magician Girl; I have two thousand attack points and seventeen hundred defense points, and have a special affect that I don't feel like explaining. Anyway…" We listened as she told us about how she fell off her porch and lost twenty life points, used a love spell to make her boyfriend propose to her (we didn't believe her until she told us the spell had him doing it in a Dark Knight costume), and had to beat off a pervert who cornered her in an alleyway on the way home with her staff. Apparently he mistook her for some other kind female that dresses up and walks around alone at night. She smiled as she recalled 'sending him to the graveyard', and polished her staff in her lap.

Next was the (still glaring) Red Eyes, who had had a slightly better week at his law firm, where he participated in five successful law suits and only had one thing to complain about. Apparently, he had gotten his wings caught in the revolving doors and had to have his assistant help him. I looked to the Blue Eyes to make sure he wasn't about to make some snide remark (as this is a safe-sharing-place, as I constantly have to remind everyone), but to my surprise he was nodding his head in sympathy. I guess getting your wings stuck in places is too serious a problem to worry about petty feuds. We went through a few others before finally getting to the Winged Kuriboh (or Valon, as the case may be). Dark Magician Girl nudged him in the ribs until he stood up, and then everything he'd been thinking exploded out of his mouth.

"Are you people INSANE?! You're talking like you people are actual monsters! What's wrong with you? You're all in costumes! COSTUMES! None of it is real! Can't you see that?! If you freaks think I'm one of you, you're mistaken!" I stood up and tried to calm him down but he would have none of it. After his wings started beating me in the face, both Dragons shot up and tackled the Kuriboh to the ground. I walked over to him and knelt so that I was at eye level. "It's alright, I understand." He didn't look too convinced and I motioned to Dark Magician Girl, who promptly stood up, walked behind him, and brought her staff down none-too-gently on his head. I stood over him and tsked to myself. I guess he just wasn't ready to face reality yet; that's the first step, the support group is the second. After all, how can you expect fix your troubles if you can't admit they're there?

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><p>When Valon woke up again, he was in a strange room on a strange bed. His head felt like hell had run over it in a van. Oh, wait… it had. He tried to sit up but felt something pull on his chest. He looked down and couldn't believe what he was seeing. Now, most men would love to see them, just not this way. In addition to the wings on his back, it would seem he now had breasts. Under the scrubs he had mysteriously changed into, he could see two lumps that moved when he did. And, considering the situation with the wings, he was pretty sure that they too would not come off. Valon felt this thought echo around in his skull for a few seconds until it died away. Then he began to scream.<p>

A nurse opened the door and came in with a clipboard in one hand and a gift bag in the other. "Oh, Mister Valon, you're up! How wonderful, we thought you'd be out for at least another couple of days." He looked around frantically, "Who are you?! And where am I?!" "Oh, silly! You're at the plastic surgeons! We even gave you the 'Barbie Double D's' size you requested. Oh, and you're friends just stopped by to drop off your get well soon present! Too bad you were still asleep." With real fear in his heart, he took the bag from the nurse and looked inside. There were two lacy pink bras and a note. Valon felt like he was going to pass out again, but didn't for fear of where he would end up next time. So instead, he picked up the note and began to read.

_Kuriboh,_

_So sorry that you got upset during the meeting, but we here at B.R.A. C.U.P.S._ _will still support you on both your transition into monster/society life and your transition from man to woman! We hope to see you again at the next meeting, and to hear all about your experience. This gift is from all of us here, and we hope you recover soon! Next time, we'll be sure to call you Winged Kuriba!_

Valon crumpled up the note, jumped off the bed, and ran screaming for the door. He just made it to the outside of the building when he ran into something and fell down. The other person was also knocked down and as they both stood up, they got a good look at each other. Valon and Jayden Yuki both opened their mouths and screamed loud enough for me to hear them all the way back in my office at Kaiba Corp… which happened to be the next building over.

"What is that racket?" Kaiba said from his office. I spun around and around in my wheeley chair and blew my bangs from my face. "How should I know?"

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><p>AN: Okay, as a reminder: this is the last request that I am taking. There will be one more chapter after this, which will be the epilogue. I've had lots of fun with you guys, but this story has stopped being fun for me. Besides, people are starting to make weird requests. I've never even HEARD of Valon before this request! So that made it really hard to write. Read and review.


	10. Back to the Shadow of the Moon

A/N: WOW! Final chapter! For a story that was originally supposed to be a one-shot, this thing went pretty far! Sorry I couldn't do it anymore, but not only was I running out of ideas for it I was also not having fun writing it anymore. When those two factors come together, it usually results in crap. That is why I don't like sequels in movies: people run out of ideas and try to milk more money out of good movies with crappy sequels. Thank you for sticking with it this far and thank you for everyone who enjoyed this! Warning: this chapter is not funny and has a more serious theme to it. Otherwise: enjoy! Even if it is for the final time…

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><p><strong>Back To the Shadow of the Moon<strong>

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><p>It was quiet in my house, a rarity that had usually spelled mischief in the past. But not today. I walked around my room, putting a few things into a brown duffle bag. Despite all of the curious nick knacks I had around the house, my room was relatively barren. I was almost done when I heard a polite cough coming from the doorway behind me. There, standing against the frame, was a young man who appeared to be in his early twenties. His hair was raven black and just a long enough to be almost shaggy, and his eyes were an almost hypnotic black that seemed to suck you in the longer you stared. He was reasonably well built without being buff and his tee shirt showed off his strong arms very nicely. Below that he wore some comfortable jeans and sneakers, but the real charm was in the small smile he shot me. I hadn't seen Shane for quite a while, but he hadn't changed at all. He was still the quiet pillar of support that he had always been. And always would be.<p>

"So, you ready?"

I nodded and picked up the bag. After giving one last sweep around the room to make sure I didn't miss anything, we both left. The hallway seemed longer than it ever did, or it might have just been me, but it was almost eerie that it was so quiet in my normally rambunctious home.

We walked down the stairs and straight out the front door without encountering a soul. And it was no wonder; as we passed the fence surrounding the back yard, I could hear Joey and Serenity playing back there and could occasionally see the top of a blond head every once in a while that I couldn't identify for certain. I didn't stop to talk, and just kept on walking.

We passed Yami Yugi, Tea, and Bakura walking down the same sidewalk. From what we'd overheard, there was a whole new specialty deck coming out for people who wanted supernatural themed cards only. I smiled, remembering that meeting at Kaiba Corp. They passed a few moments later, still talking about cards. None of them noticed as we passed right by them.

We continued down the street and passed not only the alleyway where I caught Yami Bakura on Halloween, but the alley where I encountered Joey as well. We eventually passed by a restaurant where I could see Carly, Cherry, Mokuba, and Kaiba sitting at an outdoor table. They were eating hot dogs, drinking cold drinks, and talking away like old friends. Kaiba kept giving Cherry little looks like he thought that if he stopped she would vanish. She didn't notice and kept entertaining the man's precious little brother. Carly just watched the three with a look of amusement.

Shane and I kept walking in silence until we were well passed the buildings and were on the hill a little ways out of town. Only then did we stop. By the time we got there, night had fallen and the moon was just a mere sliver in the sky, barely the width of a hair. We stood there, staring up at it for a while as that sliver grew smaller and smaller. The wind had picked up and whipped through our hair and clothes. In my hand I held my Kaiba Corp. employee badge, though I didn't even spare a glance at it.

Finally, the moon completely disappeared in that great black sky. Shane looked at me and took my free hand as we both began to fade. He gave me a reassuring smile, and I smiled back and gripped his hand harder. I thought about all the things I've seen and done here, and it brought a smile to my face. It was a shame that they wouldn't remember any of it. They didn't even remember it now, but that was simply the way this worked, the same way it was the times before this. And the way it would work next time, as well. We faded, little by little, and then we were both gone.

My badge was plucked out of the air where it had been hanging and was carried off by the wind. It flew and twirled and spun in the air as it traveled back towards the town. Back passed the restaurant that Carly, Cherry, Mokuba, and Kaiba had long since left; passed both alleyways that were as quiet as the dead; passed the sidewalk that Tea, Yami Yugi, and Bakura had walked a hundred times, and passed the house where even then Joey and Serenity were preparing dinner for themselves. It passed building after building until it finally flew into the open window near the top of the Kaiba Corp. building. It landed on a desk that was completely cleared off and spotless except for a single can of Pepsi and now a single employee badge. The badge had a picture of a smiling brunette woman on it and below was the name "Victoria B. - Secretary".

As it sat on the empty desk both the words and the pictures slowly disappeared off the card, leaving it blank.

The wind died down and all was silent under the darkness of the new moon.

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><p>AN: Sorry it was so short, but this chapter was really just to close things up. It's been a long road, but now it is time for us all to part ways. Thank you all again for taking the time out of your lives to read Kaiba vs. the Secretary. I hope you will all review one last time. Like I said before, this will be the final chapter, but I hope you will remember the craziness that was this story and maybe come back for a visit every once in a while. Thank you again all you lovely readers you, have a great life.

-Elderwolves


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